Monday, December 10, 2018

You Have Permission to Sweat Woke Ammon Bundy

If we needed any more proof that we’re living in the Upside Down (hint: we don't), Woke Ammon Bundy™️ should shift that needle to “beyond a reasonable doubt.”

‘Member Ammon Bundy? It seems like so long ago now. Like a dream from another era. 

Cast your minds back to that one time a rag-tag posse of plaid-clad militia wingnuts rumbled up to a USFS cabin in rural Oregon, where they sat for three weeks, making tearful video testimonials about the Big Mean Gov’mint and ordering coffee and Little Debbie Snack Cakes from their adoring mouth-breathing acolytes. Eventually, the martyrs got bored and climbed back in their pickup trucks and drove home. And then some of them got arrested and almost went to prison. Or did go to prison. Or went to prison and had their conviction overturned. I don’t fucking know. I don't even care enough to Google it.

Point is, the Mick Jagger of the Redneck Rolling Stones was this hot AF bae named Ammon Bundy. He might even have been called "Militia Bae," for all I know, 'cause Ammon looks like the offspring of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain 2: Return to the Mountain. (True story: I went to summer camp with Jake for three years and wrote about that shit here HELLO BRUSH WITH FAME AND GREATNESS)

Even Ammon Bundy's name sounds like a character from a $7.00 bodice ripper: "Her full lips fell open as she watched Ammon Bundy's rippling chest muscles flex in the sun. As he rode his stallion bareback into the sunset, she wondered if she would ever see Ammon again, or cry out his name in a moment of ecstasy . . . "

Well now Ammon suddenly got woke! He "broke up" with Trump because of "anti-immigrant rhetoric." I guess Ammon realized that all his compatriots in the War Against Not Easily Available Doritos actually didn't care if brown toddlers got tear-gassed and locked up in cages indefinitely for seeking asylum in the "land of the free." He decided, I guess, that it was worth the loss of love he would suffer from "warmongers" to take the side of some families fleeing violence.

So this is my gift to you, my babes and dudes. I bring to you the tidings of joy of the season, which is permission to, at long last, put Ammon Bundy in your wank tank free of guilt. As POTUS would say:


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