One of the benefits of being Trump's 17,000,498th Twitter follower is that I have instant access to his bon mots, which is French for tweets.
And by bon mots/tweets, I mean each fetid word-turd that burbles up in his brain, travels down a synaptic nerve pathway lubed up with McDonald's hamburger grease, enters his tiny fingers, translates itself into CAPITAL LETTERS AND MISSPELLED/MADE-UP WORDS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS ON AN UNSECURED GALAXY NOTE 7!!!, blasts its way through the series of tubes known as the Internet, and lands on my eyeballs where it cannot be unseen.
Such was today's tweet, which I had the misfortune to read within 21 minutes of its posting:
DAFUQ, DONALD?! This tweet has zero chill. ZERO CHILL!!!! We need to "greatly strengthen and expand" our nuclear capability? Until such time as "the world comes to its senses?!" How about YOU come to your senses, Vladimir Cheetos?
It's time to take the keys away from grandpa, and by the keys I mean Twitter and by grandpa I mean Grandpa Donald Trump with a spray tan, veneers, and a corn-silk toupee. I didn't come this (read: not very) far in life only to evaporate at the hands of someone who Scotch tapes his tie, and I know you didn't either.
Seriously, he's going to put us in the Shroom Cloud. And as I say above, I don't mean the fun kind of Shroom Cloud where you can't stop looking at your own face in the mirror, or the delicious Shroom Cloud that's the name of a speciality pizza at a brew pub in a west coast ski town.
What I mean is the real, Einsteinian, Homer Simpsonian, old school nuclear fission Shroom Cloud! The kind that Baby Boomers would hide under their desks in school to avoid.
Here's the good news though you guys: the Baby Boomer generation had to hide from a nuclear holocaust under their desks, and our generation of young children has to do the same kind of drill for an active shooter.
So this actually cuts down on Big Government and the feds trying to dictate our kids' education by combining a nuclear holocaust drill and an active shooter drill into one big apocalypse prep drill!
See?! He's not even in office, and already Trump is #MAGA MOTHAFUCKAHAAZZZZZ!!!!