Thursday, December 15, 2016

Let's Talk About the Modeling Shoot That Was Happening at the Place Where I Went to Go Stuff My Face with Tacos

Tacos. I fucking love them. Who doesn't? Even our irredeemable fuck-nugget of a President-Elect loves him a good "Hispanic taco bowl" from Trump Tower Grille. ('Member when his surrogate's "threat" to put "taco trucks on every corner" was taken by the American public more like an empty promise that needed fulfilling)? 

That's how much I--and indeed all of America--love tacos.

Here's what I don't love though: a modeling shoot (I think?) taking place in the taco joint where I'm sitting on my ass, waiting for my three beef tacos with a side of rice and guacamole to be ready so I can bring it back to my desk and inhale my lunch with Shop-Vac gusto before I have to go run to my car, scrape enough ice off the windshield to see, drive to my daughter's school, and sit on my ass some more while I watch her jump rope for half an hour in her school "skippers" show.

Just to make myself clear: I said a side of guac, not a side of size-zero black hot pants, blonde ring-curls, and tanned, toned arms with zero fat on them. I mean, seriously people.

This is not a good pre-taco appetizer/amuse-bouche for the average American woman who's spent half her life being irradiated with Chernobyl-like force by sexist, ageist, racist, and generally all-around demeaning and impossible ideals of physical beauty, and who then spends the second half of her life seeking out brave, subversive feminism in the few cracks on the internet through which its bold light manages to shine. 

My bouche is not amused.

I don't know exactly what was happening here, whether this was for a magazine or a yearbook or what. All I know is that a woman from Tyra Banks Central Casting walked in with a photographer who looked like he'd been plucked from the set of Project Runway. They set up a shot in a corner, which involved some crossing and uncrossing of very perfect legs, and putting on and taking off of black stiletto pumps, and then Project Runway said he'd tag the taco place on Instagram and that was that.

I don't need to tell you the final score of who left with more tacos, but I will anyway:

Model: 0 tacos. 
Photographer: 0 tacos. 
O.H.M.: 3 beef tacos AND a side of rice.

I WIN!




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