Monday, April 11, 2016

There's Silly Putty on My Pillow, and 20 Other Things I Need to Hear Slightly More than Bluegrass Fiddle Music Right Now

Another year of Alaska Folk Fest, another 364 days in which I can happily do without hearing the maniacal sawing-away and overzealous barn-stomping of somewhere between three and eight white dudes playing bluegrass fiddle music.  

It's not that I don't like bluegrass fiddle music (played by any number of dudes, white or otherwise). Truly I do. It's just that there are only so many white dudes playing so much bluegrass fiddle music I can hear before I start to go more insane than I already am. 

So each year at this time, in addition to my son reporting that he fell asleep with Silly Putty on his pillow (Fig. 1), there are several other things I find I need and want to hear slightly more than bluegrass fiddle music.  

The definitive list is here:


1. More Bernie v. Hillary: Who is better and why, debated in a panel discussion of Bernie Bros.

2. More of Donald Trump's words coming out of that little howler-monkey-like "O" he makes with his mouth every time he opens his silicone titty-hole to say something.

3. Cat calling from a trio of chronic inebriates.

4. To be schooled in the correct pronunciation of ukulele (Ooh-Kooh-Lay-Lay).

5. One more person refer to another person's sexual orientation as a "lifestyle" or an "agenda."

6. Bluegrass banjo and mandolin music.

7. Unsolicited parenting advice.

8. A banana backfiring in my Subaru's tailpipe.

9. That I'm doing it wrong, and by "it" I mean "everything."

10. To be told by someone who is at least partly responsible for deeply hurting my feelings that this fact is "not really my focus right now."

11. "Constructive criticism" coupled with "a little bit of friendly advice."

12. A "postmortem" of anything.

13. More of the world mansplained to me.

14. Zydeco.

15. Someone else's ring tone/text tone every five fucking seconds.

16. An old man on my street telling me to slow down while I drive by at 5 mph over the speed limit, despite the fact that he is--at that VERY moment--letting his yappy little environmental menace of a pure-breed dog shit on the street for the thousandth time without picking it up, and which is more disgusting and horrible? I submit to you it is the latter.

17. Myself ugly crying.

18. Someone who studied abroad in London for a semester fifteen years ago continue to refer to an apartment as a "flat."

19. That McDonald's is no longer serving Shamrock Shakes when I am about to start a McDonald's Shamrock Shake Cleanse.

20. This One Weird Trick.

(Fig. 1)

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