There is a videotape . . . seven days later . . . if you watch it . . . You DIE.
Not sure if any of you have seen The Ring 3, also known as Melania Trump's campaign speech yesterday in Wisconsin, in which (for starters) Donald Trump beckons his wife to the stage with a canine-esque/orgasm command and gesture: "COME!"
I would tell you to watch the video, but there's just one small problem: If you do, you'll only have seven days to live. (Still, it might be worth dying to watch Donald Trump's intro).
Amid her husband's flagging support among women, Melania stepped up to insist that "no matter who you are, a man or a woman, he treats everyone equal." But conspiracy theorists take note: Melania's rare campaign appearance is not what it appears to be! It is actually a veiled attempt to kill off any voters unlikely to support Trump in the general election!
Following the script of the 2002 American supernatural horror film The Ring, a shadowy cabal of Trump strategists launched Melania's Monday night speech in order to secretly "weaponize" the fashion model, jewelry designer, and would-be FLOTUS.
Urban legend speaks of a cursed campaign speech YouTube video that kills the viewer seven days after watching/listening to the speaker deliver a series of 6th-grade level platitudes about the purported merits of her billionaire real estate developer and fascist cantaloupe husband.
A plucky, blonde journalist (probably Megyn Kelly) will then be tasked with investigating a series of mysterious, supernatural deaths among viewers of the viral video. Eventually, this will lead Megyn to Trump's estate in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, where we find little 10 year-old Barron Trump watching the video blankly in his father's giant theater while scribbling "USA USA USA" over and over again in red crayon, in a composition notebook. Megyn will desperately try to stop him . . . but it might be too late.
Because then various aspects of the video start coming to life: a palm tree pops out of the middle of a tennis court, a thoroughbred horse suddenly leaps off a yacht into an Olympic size swimming pool and drowns, and all of a sudden you see Melania crawling seductively and purposefully across a croquet pitch in a mink bikini.
It's super creepy and likely fatal. Be warned: Before you die . . . you hear Melania Trump talk.