Thursday, April 28, 2016

An Open Letter to My Children: Can't You Just Brush Your Fucking Teeth Already?

Dear Paige and Isaac,

By the time you're old enough to read this, I hope that each of you will have much better oral hygiene habits than you do right now. Because at the moment, getting either one of you to brush your teeth is, if you'll excuse the pun, like pulling them. 
So I will put to you now one simple question, and the answer better be "yes, mom." 

Can't you just brush your fucking teeth already? Honestly. Inquiring minds want to know.

I don't understand what's so hard and offensive about availing yourselves of the highly valuable First World privileged access to dental care and hygiene that you are fortunate enough to enjoy. Specifically, Minion-themed toothbrushes, bubble-gum flavored toothpaste, Disney mouthwash, clean, fresh, delicious water, and regular trips to the dentist where you get to sit in a chair and watch cartoons with your mouth open until a pretty, nice-smelling lady gives you gold star stickers and cute little plastic dental floss containers destined for a landfill.

Quite literally, I devote hours of my life each week to begging and pleading with you to brush your goddamned fucking teeth. I even put the toothpaste ON the toothbrush for you, and the toothbrush is ELECTRIC. Your teeth practically brush themselves! When I was your age we only had analog toothbrushes. I had to put some real elbow grease into making sure my mouth didn't look and smell like a London sewer. And guess what? it's still full of silver!

I know. You have a lot of baby teeth left, but I'm trying to instill some decent habits here. I'm simply trying to save you from the long-term decaying effects of chocolate-covered almonds, donuts, and all the other sugary shit you're constantly (and often successfully) begging me to let you cram into your Pirate's Booty and Annie's Organic Mac n' Cheese holes 24/7.

This really shouldn't be that hard. It takes all of two minutes and yet I spend fifteen minutes begging for every minute you spend brushing. It's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on baths. 

Seriously kids. For fuck's sake. 


Your Mother

1 comment:

  1. Oh hell's yeah. Did we act like them?? I think not. Although probably. Haha


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