Wednesday, August 9, 2017

You are Old and Hideous! Buy Me and Fix it Now!

Oh Hello, Hideous Old Hag!

I’m glad you stopped by this Hudson News at the SEA-TAC airport to check me out. I am New Beauty magazine

You may not have heard of me, but I’m one of 18 gazillion advertising circulars glossy mags dedicated to the truth that women are naturally fat, old, and lowkey hideous, and that they must buy a lot of shit—like, a LOT—to fix their fatness, oldness, and hideousness.

As you peruse my online content from your iPhone with a morbid curiosity and an eye toward mocking me on your blog, you will discover that I am targeted at insecure early 40s moms such as yourself, boasting content with titles like “This Is the Number-One Makeup Mistake Older Women Make, According to Bobbi Brown,” “These are the Best Ways to Firm Saggy Knees,” “12 Famous Women on the Anti-Aging Procedures They Love,” “This Botox Technique Will Give You a Much More Natural Look,” and “A New Neurotoxin is Coming to the U.S.” 

What? No! I don’t mean biological warfare courtesy of Trump and Kim-Jong Un’s dick-swinging contest. Sure the mushroom cloud is coming, but you don't want to have the most homely aesthetic in the fallout shelter, do you? Especially if you're called upon to repopulate the earth! So get up off those saggy knees and start going back in time like Marty Fucking McFly.

For as every woman knows, there is nothing more natural than loading up a six-inch syringe with botulinum neurotoxin and jamming it between your eyeballs so that you look permanently surprised for six months and #nofilter your forehead on your teenage daughter's Insta.

In this issue alone, I'll be offering tips from "doctors" on how to stop aging (which mankind has been trying to do ever since we could rub two sticks together in a cave fire). I’m also providing the “secret to looking younger,” also something no one has ever before promised in the course of human history, much less been able to produce, but which I deliver in this magazine with an article entitled “7 Ways You Can Avoid the Need for a Facelift.”

The Need.

I also do a deep dive into beauty creams (legit or no?) and talk to Courtney Cox about what she’s been up to since Friends.

Spoiler alert: having zero chill about getting old, getting plastic surgery, regretting it, getting more plastic surgery to undo the plastic surgery she got because she hated herself for being old, and then hating herself a little less while still getting a little bit older every day.

But looking snatched AF is not without its risks, because I also fear-monger with hard-hitting journalism like “Woman Experiences Horrifying Infection from Eyebrow Feathering Treatment Gone Wrong,” “This Skin Care Cure-All Has Caused Some People’s Hair to Fall Out,” “This Woman’s Unicorn Hair Dye Job Left Her Partially Bald,” “Woman Badly Burned After a Bath & Body Works Candle Burst in Her Face,” and “This Terrifying Pimple-Popping Story Will Make You Never Want to Touch Your Face Again.”

So if you want to look like Courtney Cox in 1990 and you don't want to be bald, wrinkled, and sporting an infected, swollen face riddled with third degree burns and zits, you will buy me and everything advertised inside of me today.

I’ll take that $7.00 now. Thanks!


  1. I actually, truly know the ancient secret to looking younger: die when you're young. Pretty simple, no? No messy and constant trying to be that which is impossible. I sell a syringe of 'The End of The Terror' for only $1.99 on Amazon, free shipping, too!

  2. Okay, so just read this. I now have a reason to keep living.


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