Thursday, August 10, 2017

And God Created Alaska

I saw Sara Runnels' awesome "And God Created Millennial Earth" on McSweeney's today, and thought this model deserved an Alaska spin.

1:1 In the beginning, God created Alaska.

1:2 And Alaska was almost twice the size of Texas, yet much harder to find on a map for some reason and devoid of Trader Joes; and darkness was upon the face of Alaska for six months per year in some parts. And the Spirit of God moved upon sustainable yield timber harvesting and productive, environmentally-sound mining practices operating in sync with each other like Kumbaya.

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light, but again, only for six months a year. The rest of the time half the population suffered from Seasonal Depressive Disorder and had to buy special lamps to stick their faces into while weeping inconsolably.

1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and said fuck it, you guys can handle some darkness in winter, because you’re Alaskans and tough AF and anyway that shit looks good with snow at Christmastime.

1:5 And God called the light June, and the darkness He called December. And the evening and the morning were the best times to get charged by a cow moose or a sow bear while taking your garbage out to the curb.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a telegenic celebrity politician with cute glasses in the midst of an historic presidential election campaign, and let her divide the State amongst itself, and then let the State be nationally redeemed years later by a more serious person who voted her conscience when asked by her well-insured male colleagues to take chemo away from babies.

1:7 And God made Xtra-Tuffs, and divided them into the shitty ones that are made in China now and the quality ones they used to make right here in the good old U.S. of A., and it was hard to get that kind anymore.

1:8 And God called all that was good “Skookum.” And the newbies He called Cheechakos. And He let a major cultural genocide go down and that was really, REALLY fucking NOT cool, I think we can all admit?

1:9 And God said, Let the sport fishers under heaven be gathered together unto one place, and that place was the Kenai River in July.

1:10 And God covered the dry land with no-see-ems; and the falling into the waters He called hypothermia: and God saw that "PFD" should stand for both life jackets and a modest amount of annual cheddar from Exxon.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and a Supreme Court case called Ravin v. State and a ballot measure that will let everyone get Irie in the sunshine, even though Jeff Sessions is kind of a dick: and it was so.

1:12 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the slow-moving creatures known as cruise ship passengers that hath money, and helicopters that may fly above the glaciers for $300 a head plus tax.

1:13 And God created great whales, that tourists pay good money to see bubble net feeding
, which the waters brought forth abundantly, thanks to the Marine Mammal Protection Act and God saw that it was good. 

1:14 And God blessed Alaska, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, but not if you're an RV-driver or a dudebro talking about the sick line he skied in the Chugach last winter because we have enough of those, k? Thanks, bye!

1:15 So God created man in his own image, and put a lot of weird dudes up here but not as many females, except in Juneau for some reason as all the single ladies will tell you.

1:16 And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Which is why He knew the legislature would fuck it all up.
1:17 Thus Alaska was finished.

1:18 And on the seventh day God ended his work and blessed Seward Day, and sanctified it, and gave us all the day off from work because some old white dude supposedly bought an ice box from Russia.

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