I Cannot Unsee These Denim Sandals, and Now Neither Can You

Not since clear knee mom jeans has denim been involved in a bigger dumpster fire than these jean sandals/denim mandals. 

I don't know where they came from and I don't know who made them. I don't even know what to call them, since anything besides "straight trash" eludes my imagination.

Like I want surveillance footage of how these came to be. I'm imagining maybe a college lacrosse player wearing these on the quad after his girlfriend decided his pale-wash Levi cutoff jean shorts were too fugly to wear and should be turned into slip-ons.

Or it could also be something Kanye West designed and is modeling on the runway and retailing for $800 a pair. 

How does a person sit down and think to themselves, you know what would look really cool? Levis pale-wash 501s sewed over a pair of Adidas sandals.

Like what is the creative process for this abomination? It has to be something along these lines:

1. Stare at jeans and sandals on floor of bedroom.

2. Decide both are beyond hideous.

3. Smoke shit-ton of dank nugs.

4. Decide--impossibly--that they would be less hideous together?

5. Get out fabric scissors and hot glue gun.

6. Put on Rihanna and get to work work work work work work work.

This is the fashion version of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, but instead of peanut butter and chocolate it's mustard and cheerios.

Sorry Not Sorry

Frequent readers of this blog know how much I dislike board games. I find them confusing, frustrating, and boring. Adults have tried to make me play Settlers of Catan, children have tried to make me play an inscrutable game about spells and wizards, and now Isaac tried to re-teach me Sorry. Here's how that went:

Isaac: Can we watch cartoons?

Me: No but we can read or play a game.

Isaac: PLEASE CAN WE WATCH CARTOONS?

Me: No.

Isaac: Okay, let's play Sorry.

Me: Okay, sounds good. You'll have to remind me of the rules though. It's been a long time.

Isaac: Okay. So. You have this pile of cards on one side and you put them face down on this other side then you pick a color and put all your guys in start but you can only get out of start with a 2 or a 7 and your goal is to get all your guys into this Jewish star and if you land on the same spot as one of the other person's guys they have to go back to start and can't get out again until you pick a 7 or a 2 or a Sorry but if you get into this safe zone you can't get bumped out because the guys in your safe zone aren't martyr men.

Me: Do you mean margin men?

Isaac: Yes I mixed up my words.

Me: Whatever, I don't get it. Let's just start playing and we'll figure it out.

Isaac: Okay, so you just got a 7 so you can go out.

Me: Where do I go?

Isaac: To that little yellow dot.
Me: But your guy is already on there.
Isaac: So that means I have to go back to my home.
Me: "GO TO YOUR HOME!!" Forget it, it's a Happy Gilmore reference. You wouldn't understand. Ugh. Okay. 11. Why are there so many options of what to do on this card?
Isaac: You tell me. Why don't you read it?
Me: UGH! Can we watch cartoons?
Isaac: Yay! REALLY?!
Me: No.

Alaska's No-See-Ums Should Go Fuck Themselves

They're baaaaaack. 

I saw a little cloud of them on the back deck of our house this evening. Evening is when they come. When they come to FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. Hollywood never made a horror movie that can compare to these little fuckers.

They are Alaska's biting midges, or No-See-Ums.

Yes, I know they have their place in the ecosystem. Yes, I acknowledge the entire planet and food chain would probably collapse without them. Yes, I realize they are probably the very last Jenga block holding biodiversity together, and if they go, well, forget the U.S. airstrikes on Syria that just happened tonight. 

Current events will seem like CHILD'S PLAY next to earth without the No-See-Um. We might as well get in the panic room prepper bunker and get ready for the asteroid or the mushroom cloud if the No-See-Um goes extinct.

Okay, granted. I'm sure the No-See-Um is a critical species, but let's be honest they are also a BUNCH OF ASSHOLES and really should go fuck themselves. Like, why do they have to be such DICKS? 

As their name suggests, the No-See-Um's Harry Potter invisibility cloak makes their bite that much more infuriating. At least mosquitoes are sometimes slow and often big enough to see, which means you get the satisfaction of smacking them with visible results. They also squeeze through every barrier that stops a mosquito.

To the extent you succeed in killing a No-See-Um mid-attack, you never get to see your handiwork, and he or she always has 8,000,0000,0000,0000 of its siblings following right behind to take the place of the one you just annihilated.

Bottom line, No-See-Ums can reproduce and bite you a lot faster than you can kill them.

Really, the only two things I dread about spring in Alaska are the unveiling of the dog turds and the reawakening of these midges, scientific name ceratopogonidae. I learned that last part from Wikipedia. That's also where I discovered that these flies are a major vector of disease and pests in most locations, and so are maybe not nearly as cool as I gave them credit for in the first part of this post.

I'll leave that to the entomologists, and it's a good thing I know a few. For now, I'll just say what the rest of us laypeople are thinking:

Alaska's No-See-Ums should go fuck themselves.

Most of America Just Really Fucking Confused RN

According to a new Gallup poll released today, 99.99% of Americans are just really fucking confused right now.

The study was the most comprehensive of its kind in decades, conducted across all races, genders, ethnicities, socio-economic classes, and regions of the country. While these constituencies' immediate and long-term concerns varied greatly among the sub-groups, they were unified by a single common factor:

Complete and utter confusion as to what the fuck is happening right now.

Asked about far-ranging issues both global and domestic, Americans claimed to be "totally fucking confused" about everything from the unemployment rate to job growth to climate change to ISIS to “Russia Gate.”

“Is the Russia thing like, a big deal? Or is it really like, a whole lot of nothing?” asked a lawyer from Ohio. Similarly, a plumber in Texas was very fucking confused about what everyone keeps calling Trump’s "wide-ranging conflicts of interest." 

“What I don’t get is why his kids are in the government?," the man remarked with a puzzled expression on his face.

“What’s going on with the filibuster thing again?," asked a teacher in Iowa. And a factory worker in Tennessee expressed serious fucking confusion over the President's ongoing use of Twitter to set policy. 

Meanwhile, several engineers and two supermarket cashiers in Oregon said they were confused about the state of the wall with Mexico, the travel ban, babies in Syria, and whether they would have health insurance next week or not.

Reached for comment, the rest of America claimed it was too busy. It was toggling between news websites and social media feeds trying to abet its confusion, only to become more fucking confused by the minute.

.

10 Album Covers that Clearly Inspired Melania Trump's Official White House Portrait

Five Infinity Scarves that Will Catch Eyes and Also Easily Half Your Lunch

Flirty, fun, fashionable, and often cheap AF, the infinity scarf is the woke female hipster accessory du jour. I know because I've fallen prey to this trend, and I'm not afraid to admit it. 

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that infinity scarves catch eyes but also eaaaaaasily half your lunch. Here are are five fresh infinity scarves to pair perfectly with your next hurried meal!

1. The Salad Spinner: This soft fox-print scarf on Etsy is ideal for catching large crumbles of feta cheese and cherry tomatoes. As a result, it's also perfect for snacking off of two hours later during a teleconference.

2. The Office Potluck: I think this one is Anthropologie but I forget. Anyway, it's a great look for those office birthday and retirement parties. If there are paper plates, sheet cake, chips and salsa, and stuff in crock pots, this is your look.

3. The Happy Hour: This one is the best for spilling a Cosmopolitan or other fancy cocktail in those shallow, cone-shaped glasses onto. And I mean long before you even have the excuse of a buzz. Why are those glasses so shallow? GAH! Available at an indy boutique with a fancy tag made from recycled hemp.

4. The Barbeque: You know what looks great with turquoise blue? Maroon BBQ sauce and some bright green relish! Watch out, Kielbasa. This isn't your grandma's infinity scarf. Available at your nearest drug store.

5. The Book Club Pizza: The only thing that goes better with "All the Light We Cannot See" than this scarf is several slices of peperoni, a few mushrooms and olives, and a dab of pizza sauce. Man, what a combo that is. You can find this by Google image searching "infinity scarf."

The Factors of Life

You take the son, you take the dad
You take 'em both and there you have
The factors of life, the factors of life

There's a time you got to go and show
You're daddy's bitch and now we know
The factors of life, the factors of life 

When the world never seems
To be putting up with your schemes
And suddenly you're finding out
The country's not a cash cow for you
Moooooooo

Oh, it takes a lot to act this white
And you're learning the factors of life!