Thursday, February 20, 2020

No, YOU’RE The Jesus!

I haven't watched much of the Democratic debates for several reasons: (1) I don't think elections should be treated like the Super Bowl, and the debates are even more boring than football; (2) I have always preferred Elizabeth Warren and don't want to argue about why; (3) I am a registered undeclared voter, do not belong to a political party, and despise the two-party system; (4) I plan to vote against Trump in the general election even if the alternative is a turd sandwich or a Hydroflask (save the turtles!)

But last night and the followup was fucking amazing, if only because of the relatability of--as the Jewish magazine The Forward puts it--"two old Jews arguing about whose arteries are worse."

As a secular ethnic atheist New York City-born and raised Jew, I have substantial experience with just this type of argument around the dinner table among aunts, uncles, and others who try to win arguments by yelling the loudest and gesticulating the most dramatically. For example, one of my relatives (who shall remain nameless) would respond to sassy teenage exhortations of "JESUS CHRIST, [MOM/DAD/AUNT/UNCLE]!" with 

"No, YOU'RE THE JESUS!!!"

Last night's argument between secular ethnic atheist east coast-born and raised Jews Mike Bloomberg (MA) and Bernie Sanders (NYC) over income inequality had a serious ring of the familiar. It was like watching a cross between balcony muppets Waldorf and Stattler and my relatives get into it over Thanksgiving dinner or Passover. 

Let's take a simple example of how I imagine a dinner table conversation would go between Bernie and Bloomberg (also substitute any of my relatives) about their health. (picture all of this in yelling):

BLOOMBERG: So, uh, did you ever talk to my guy at Columbia?
BERNIE: What guy at Columbia?
BLOOMBERG: The CARDIOLOGIST, Goldstein! He's Shirley Sokoloff's son-in-law, very bright. Very bright kid. Graduated Stanford cum laude. One of the best in the City.
BERNIE: What with the cardiologist? I don't need a cardiologist.
BLOOMBERG: You don't see a cardiologist? You're trying to kill yourself now? My guy at NYU said I had the heart of a 29 year-old.
BERNIE: My ass a 29 year-old! You have a stent! What 29 year-old has a stent? Show me ONE 29 year-old with a stent!
BLOOMBERG: No stent! NO STENT! I just had the plaques removed!
BERNIE: Ugh, plaques schmaques, there was just a study about the plaques in the Times.
BLOOMBERG: They stopped delivering, I don't get the paper version now for some reason, I can't figure out what happened.
BERNIE: So what? Get the online version! The subscription!
BLOOMBERG: What with the subscription? Now I need to pay for the internet?
BERNIE: Whatsamattah, you can't afford $5 a month for the Times
BLOOMBERG: Ach, fuhgettabout it, it's a whole production with the passwords. I can never remember the goddamned passwords.

And so on. What a hoot.





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