Friday, September 13, 2019

Let Judicial 'Font-Gate' Commence!

A fellow attorney here in Alaska alerted me to this critical proposed rule change to the Appellate Rules regarding approved fonts for filing legal pleadings in the appellate courts of the state. 

The proposal "would eliminate certain fonts, add a tiered system of approved fonts, and require certification of font used and availability . . . Courier should be the font of last resort."

COURIER IS THE "FONT OF LAST RESORT," Y'ALL!

This made us both literally LOL, simply because of the cognitive dissonance between the grave tone of the rule change and its subject, the latter of which is undisputedly petty AF.

Certainly there are lofty issues facing our judiciary, today and every day. Our Attorney General and his boss, Individual 2, are openly attacking the court system and the separation of powers. These Amateur Hour Shitgoblins™ slashed the court system's budget just because they did their job upholding the constitution. Every day, the courts are deciding weighty issues of liberty and property for the citizens of the state at a time in our nation's history when the third branch of government serves as the only bulwark against encroaching authoritarianism.

But frankly, I think judges should be evaluating these issues in exclusively the following three fonts:


COMIC SANS
HERCULANUM
APPLE CHANCERY

While Herculanum and Apple Chancery are valuable for their ridiculous names alone, Comic Sans, in my view, should be the font of FIRST resort. 

In fact, I think I will type the rest of this post in Comic Sans to show you how serious a font it truly is, its name notwithstanding. Comic Sans is not just for Karens sending group emails to the office that the theme for this year's Christmas party is "tropical paradise" and everyone should wear Hawaiian shirts next Tuesday. 

Indeed not, your honor. 

In this canonical McSweenys piece, "I'm Comic Sans, Asshole," Comic Sans itself, through its counsel of record Mike Lacher, defends its own gravity as a font to be reckoned with. I am entering the above monologue into the record of public comment on this rule, and would draw the Court's attention to the following statement from Comic Sans itself: 
I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I'm in your signs. I'm in your browsers. I'm in your instant messengers. I'm not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.
Surely Alaska's appellate courts would be wise to adopt Comic Sans as the operative default font for all pleadings. Far be it for me to imply that anyone on the rules-making committee is an "uptight armchair typographer cock-hat" but there is certainly circumstantial evidence of same, and I don't think the possibility can be excluded as a matter of law. Moreover, there is direct evidence that reading boring sentences like "this is an easement appurtenant to a dominant tenement" would be much more fun in Comic Sans.

Whether the person or persons who wrote: "Courier should be the font of last resort" are, as Comic Sans stated, "uptight armchair typographer cock-hats" is really a question for the trier of fact, and, at least with respect to admissibility, a matter for the trial judge to consider in evidence as a potential exception to the hearsay rule.

COMIC SANS IS THE FONT OF FIRST RESORT IN ALASKA. IT IS SO ORDERED.





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