Monday, November 1, 2021

Why CourtView is the Best Dating App in Alaska

I posted about this topic earlier, but I think it deserves the long-form treatment.

I’m always surprised that more people are unaware of the treasure trove of public information contained in the Alaska Court System records database known as CourtView.

CourtView is mostly a tool for litigants and lawyers to track their cases, but it’s also a crucial dating application here in Cold Florida, as it allows people to screen future romantic prospects for their often lengthy criminal and civil records. 

Since I’m not in the North Mississippi Meat Market, I have to take it as an article of faith on the word of my friends: every dating app that geolocates the user in Alaska should automatically link to CourtView.

Public access to court records is one thing the State really gets right over the feds. Uncle Sam shakes you down just to search cases in an unwieldy electronic software scam known as “PACER.” Therefore, if your future paramour is on the hook for bank robbery, sex trafficking, gun-running, tax evasion, narcotics distribution, or racketeering, I’m afraid you’re shit out of luck because those PACER fees add up right quick.

HOWEVER, if your lover-to-be is a run-of-the-mill murderer, arsonist, sex offender, serial stalker, debtor, Medicaid fraudster, or thrice-divorced bigamist who’s changed their name multiple times to evade detection, then CourtView is where you’ll know for sure. As soon as you swipe right, any dating app worth a download would automatically ping your location as Militiasota and take you straight to CourtView.

Indeed, for the more seasoned purveyors of the “odd goods” that have sifted down into the far outer reaches of the country like so much river sediment, CourtView is a verb. “Did you CourtView them?” is the first question any good friend will ask before you venture out into the wild with someone up here. The sigh of relief when you discover they’ve only registered a will and gotten pulled over for speeding and expired vehicle registration is audible. 

But more troubling, you could unearth successive long-term protective orders issued upon the request of multiple petitioners, or a contentious divorce that contains such pleadings as “Motion to Establish Custody of Parakeet/Order Denying Motion for Parakeet Custody.”

Just like anything else on the internet, you should take what you find on CourtView at face value and not jump to any conclusions. That said, being under third party custody while awaiting trial on armed robbery charges MIGHT be a bad sign. As far as I’m aware, CourtView does not have a mobile app, but I can’t say it enough: it’s the best dating app in Alaska.

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