1. I am out of the office with limited access to cell phone and internet service. If this is an emergency, please call 1-800-YOUREMERGENCYISNTMYPROBLEMIMATFISHCAMPASSHOLE.
2. Thanks for your message, I'm at my aunt's condo on Maui finally (Fuck COVID, amirite?!) You don't have an aunt with a condo on Maui? #TooBadSoSad
3. I will be out of State getting 17 different types of surgery. Only a monster would bother me at this time.
4. I hope this automatic out of office reply finds you well. Just kidding, I could not care less how (or if) this finds you, the point is you won't find me until September.
5. It's summer in Alaska. Why are you even sending emails? Ugh. LOSER.
6. I will be out of the office at my remote fly-in cabin with limited access to email. My cabin is near Bristol Bay and has running water and a hot tub. It is made of pressure-treated wood and I use it five times a year. You can only get there on a four-wheeler or on my private plane, which I fly all by myself because I am a great bush pilot. I have only crashed a little bit that one time, but insurance took care of it. If you're getting this message I have more money than God, you weren't invited, and everyone is drinking my home brewed beer around a bonfire without you.
7. Why are you pretending to work? Again, IT. IS. SUMMER. IN. ALASKA. Your email shows the consideration of someone who takes a dump on a church pew.
8. If you’re getting this email, I’m on a river with 18 different permits you didn’t pull. Sucks for you!
9. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office indefinitely because I work to live, not the other way around.
10. I will be out of contact until I lose my cell phone on a rafting trip. If you need immediate assistance, please hang up and dial 911. Just kidding. This is email. If you’re using email for an emergency you’re either 95 years old or lack the common sense of a teapot.