January 1, 2020
Happy New Year!
Are you sitting down? No, don’t worry. No one died. At least not yet. That’s gonna change in about four months, however. About 150,000 US citizens will be dead by then. What? No, not a nuclear holocaust or asteroid, although you’ll be praying for both. I’m not really at liberty to say a whole lot more at the moment, but I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t at least try to prepare you a little bit for what’s coming.
Hmm. How should I put this. Uh. Um....Ok. First of all: how’s your WiFi? You’re gonna wanna increase your bandwidth because you’ll be spending a lot of time online. Like, a LOT. OHM is gonna do numbers though so that’s good at least! Oh! ZOOM. Also Zoom. You’ve never heard of that? It’s like Skype. Call Kerri over at Edward Jones. Buy stock in that shit like, NOW. Also while you’re at it you MIGHT want to add Charmin and whatever company makes surgical masks or respirators to your portfolio.
Remember the movie 28 Days Later? The zombie movie starring that hot British fuck boi from Peaky Blinders? Why am I bringing that up? Weeeellll ... all I can tell you is that you’re probably gonna want to go out for dinner or drinks with the girls now. Pretty soon you won’t be able to do that. Hug your friends.
The kids? Oh don’t worry about them. Kids are resilient, thank God. But you should probably tell them to quit fighting and start working on their sibling rapport, because they won’t be seeing their friends or going to school again for the indefinite future. How come? Welp. I can’t really say exactly, but I CAN tell you to stock up on board games and Ativan.
Impeachment? Mueller? No no no. Forget about all that shit. That’s a big ole nothingburger with cheese and a side of waffle fries. Sorry to say Trump isn’t going anywhere. In fact he’s going to stir up massive amounts of shit. More than he has already? Believe it or not, yes. He’s gonna do “amazing” on a dementia test though, so that’s good at least. And there will be a LITTLE bit of baseball. With cardboard fans in the stands.
How’s your math? Like common core. That might be your new job. No no no. Don’t worry, you’ll still be a lawyer. In fact you’re going to get a great new job. But you ALSO need to bone up on 7th grade algebra because that’s gonna be a big part of your parenting responsibilities now. Also time to learn to sew. I know you’re fucking useless. But it’s time to grow up and learn some practical skills.
Bottom line: I suggest you go online right now and order a gross of toilet paper, two bolts of fabric, and a dozen boxes of N95s. What are those? Oh they‘re like these surgical masks with respirators built into them. Yes yes. You’re gonna have to wear them. Inside. Also sometimes outside.
Also have you heard of the Darwin Awards? That’s gonna be a thing.