Saturday, April 13, 2019

I Tried to Make My Own Janties. It Did Not Go as Planned.

Long time readers of this blog know that before I made it my daily business to call out our Sentient Cheetoh Overlord™ and his enablers, I dedicated many a post to the latest styles and fashions of Our Troubled Times.™  Several of these readers encouraged me to post about "janties," the new $315 jean "panties" that are all the rage (as my mother would say) at Coachella this year. Here's what they look like:

Now, knowing full well I was not prepared to spend 1.5 car payments on a glorified amalgam of Jockeys and cut-off jean shorts, I began digging through my massive piles of shit to find an appropriate candidate for my DIY janties experiment. What I unearthed were these knee-length Carters, which had previously been jeans, but sometime around 1992 became cut-offs. You will see in the next picture why I chose them for my victim.

As you can see, these cut-off jean shorts are none too flattering, especially with my post-Alaskan winter alabaster legs. They MIGHT be okay if I were in a junior high play starring as Huck Finn, but I'm not, so I promptly sacrificed these to fashion science.

Next, I found a craft scissors and began sawing away. I didn't really have a plan. And that, I’m afraid, is where things started to go wrong. "Measure twice, cut once." That's what my dad always told me. Welp, I didn't heed that paternal axiom, because I was too eager to get these janties on my body. So I didn't measure once, much less twice, and I absolutely massacred the shit out of these shorts.

No matter! They were looking pretty good, I thought. Pretty, pretty, pretttttyyyy good, as Larry David would say. Until I realized that I had made a fatal error. Specifically, I had irretrievably cut the most crucial part of the shorts: the crotch. In order for janties to "work" you sort of need the crotch part. Otherwise you basically just have a denim mini-skirt. Undeterred, I set out to fix the unfixable.

I did not have a needle and thread at the ready. And even if I had, I am a terrible seamstress. Regardless, I wasn't going to do things right when I could use a lazy short cut. So I quickly found a stapler and tried to staple the crotch back together. I decided to worry later about how a staple would feel on my vagina.

The stapler was a fail. The staple came right out and I knew I would need to find another office supply solution. ENTER BINDER CLIPS! Again, I would worry about the impact of two metal pincers on my poonanie at a later date. I had to get these janties TF on! Fashion demanded it!

NAILED IT! My DIY janties were not what I was expecting, but, pics or it didn’t happen. They came out looking more like the airport fashion style of 12 year-old tween girls in summer 2012, i.e. vadge-high jean shorts with pockets hanging out of the bottom. I didn't try moving or walking in my janties, because I was pretty sure that the binder clips holding the crotch together would either chafe my lady parts or fall off, and either way it was not going to be pretty. 

Ultimately, my DIY janties never saw the outside of my bedroom, and the world is a better place for it.

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