Sunday, June 3, 2018

Would I Be Living My Best Life in a Snuggie Dress from Instagram?

That’s the question that’s been sticking in my craw like a day-old kernel of Orville Redenbacher in the days since this ad popped up on my Instagram feed. 

I’m not sure what I clicked or what I said, but Insta-Big Bro seems to think I’d be living my best life walking around in a potato sack. He’s not entirely wrong, although part of me is a little troubled that Insta keeps showing me ads for pants, tops, and dresses that all look like some variation on a circus tent.

It’s hard enough to look remotely okay in a dress that looks amazing on a professional model, so it’s perhaps that much harder to look good in clothes that make even a professional model look like the Hamburglar sitting on a popsicle stick.

Like I’m trying to imagine who or what I’d look like in this dress/Snuggie/blanket thing, and here’s what I came up with: If the creepy, squeaky-voiced spell-caster lady from Poltergeist was convicted of fraud and sentenced to a year in a minimum security prison, and then issued this outfit by the warden to wear while making license plates in the basement, that’s what I would look like in this.

Not even the strappy sandals and a funky necklace like those pictured in the ad could help the cause. In fact, these accessories would make me look even MORE like the creepy spell-caster lady from Poltergeist. More specifically, if that lady and Zoltar (the boardwalk fortune machine wish-granter from Big) had a love child, and THAT person went to jail on a fraud charge.

That’s this Snuggie on me.

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