Wednesday, June 27, 2018

The Cottonwood Tree Money Shot

I’m taking a much-needed break from writing about The End of the World as We Know It at the Tiny Hands of Cheeto Satan™ to make a simple, brief, and unrelated observation about the local flora here in Alaska. An observation that those of us who suffer from seasonal allergies will surely relate to, and even those who don’t might appreciate, which is this:

A tree is jizzing in my face.

Let me say that again, a little louder for the people in the back: 


In 70's porno parlance, this was called “the money shot,” but I believe The Kids Today™ call it "skeeting." Whatever you call it, a cottonwood tree (actually hundreds of them) are busting a nut and splooging straight into my eyes, nose, and mouth, and it is NOT OKAY.

According to the omniscient Wikipedia:
Populus trichocarpa is normally dioecious; male and female catkins are borne on separate trees. The species reaches flowering age at about 10 years. Flowers may appear in early March to late May in Washington and Oregon, and sometimes as late as mid-June in northern and interior British Columbia, Idaho, and Montana. Staminate catkins contain 30 to 60 stamens, elongate to 2 to 3 cm, and are deciduous. Pistillate catkins at maturity are 8 to 20 cm long with rotund-ovate, three carpellate subsessile fruits 5 to 8 mm long. Each capsule contains many minute seeds with long, white cottony hairs.
 The seed ripens and is disseminated by late May to late June in Oregon and Washington, but frequently not until mid-July in Idaho and Montana. Abundant seed crops are usually produced every year. Attached to its cotton, the seed is light and buoyant and can be transported long distances by wind and water. Although highly viable, longevity of P. trichocarpa seed under natural conditions may be as short as two weeks to a month. This can be increased with cold storage.

I’m happy for you and all your “minute seeds with long, white cottony hairs” which are “light and buoyant and can be transported long distances by wind and water.” But let me ask you this, and to my earlier point: Did I SAY you could jizz in my face? Did I? No, I most certainly did not. I did not and do not consent to this.

Yesterday, I was in Anchorage and your jizz was absolutely permeating the air, just floating around. It was in my nostrils and throat, and I came home sneezing and coughing and covered in a rash. I think it’s mighty inconsiderate of you to just blow your wad all over my face. S
eriously it’s amazingly rude. I don’t care if you want to reproduce. Do it in your own space. I mean, who does this? Who just unleashes a giant CATEGORY 5 JIZZ HURRICANE on the general public?! If you were human, you would definitely be in jail by now.

Not fucking cool, cottonwoods. Not cool at all.

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