Wednesday, June 6, 2018

A Great Euphemism and Alaskan Metaphor in One Short, Stupid Story


It's not often that you'll find a great euphemism AND a great metaphor in one short, stupid story, much less a metaphor about Alaska. But in a stroke of serendipity, here we are with this report from The Hill in which a big wig at the National Park Service was forced to "apologize to staff for 'inappropriate' behavior."

Now what, pray tell, was this alleged “inappropriate behavior?” SPOILER ALERT! It was—yet again—a man in a position of authority handling his literal junk in full view of his workforce.

An NPS employee anonymously complained to Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke that P(een). Daniel Smith, the “top ranking official at the National Park Service . . . grabbed his crotch and penis and acted out as though he was urinating on the wall.” In any other time and place, this would be some straight-up bonkers fuckery, but because it’s 2018, it’s just another ho-hum, la-dee-da day at the office.

Zinke referred the complaint to the Office of the Inspector General for investigation (which in itself is a pleasant surprise considering that Zinke's boss has made a career of grabbing women by the pussy and trying to jam his crusty-ass Cheeto in as many dimes as possible before he drops dead of a Big Mac-induced heart attack on his own golf course).

But Zinke has no chill with Trump’s locker-room workplace conduct, because “under my leadership we don’t protect predators . . . these people will be held accountable for their abhorrent actions.” 

I guess Cheeto Satan didn’t get that particular memo.

Anyhoo, Peen D. Smith apologized in an agency-wide email for behaving “in an inappropriate manner in a public hallway,” elaborating that he “was overheard recounting an experience in Alaska.”


M'kay. I'm adding this to "checked into rehab for exhaustion/sex addiction" to the list of excuses men make for whipping their dicks out in public: "I was just recounting my experience in Alaska."


First of all: “inappropriate” is perhaps the most laughably overused euphemism of 2018, and that’s saying something because the competition is fierce. Even as America descends ever further into base discourse befitting our Neanderthal forebears, “inappropriate” still seems like a farcical way to characterize handling your dick in public at work. Really, “inappropriate” as used in this context is on par with “economic anxiety” (racism), “thoughts and prayers” (fuck your dead kids), and “inaccurate statement” (lie).

But here’s the real phallus-shaped horn of the unicorn, because the Alaska-as-Penis metaphor is rich AF.

One can only guess what “experience” Peen Smith had here in the Great Land, but it probably did involve his dick somehow. Alaska is the nation’s capital of--I’m not going to go full 2018 here and say "toxic masculinity"—more like, Brawny Paper Towel Guy masculinity. Many transplants to the Last Frontier spend decades trying to catch up to the burliness required to live here and not subject their traditional hetero-normative sense of cis gender masculinity to a shredding like so much timber in a chipper shredder at a Southeast logging camp.

Ironically, the State of Alaska itself appears to have a penis (see map below) on the Aleutian Chain right near Dutch Harbor, which is also apt, because if Alaska is a big, burly dude, then Dutch Harbor—home of the Deadliest Catch and the saltiest dive bars and crab fishermen in the world—is its dick. 

And not just the shaft, either, or the balls, which are somewhere on the Kenai Peninsula between Seward and Homer, under this analogy. No. Dutch is actually the TIP OF THE HEAD of the peen, where all of Alaska’s hyper-masculine life force explodes out into the Bering Sea into an ocean of crabs.

Everyone in Alaska—even most women I know—like to swing their metaphorical dicks in the wind. Their giant American pick-up trucks, their giant guns, their giant boats, the log cabins that they built with their own calloused hands like Paul Bunyan with their giant phallic chainsaws, and so on and so forth. 

Alaska’s official state motto might be “North to the Future” but everyone who lives here knows it's unofficially “Big Swinging Dick.” 

So really, Mr. Smith should be excused for simply accurately portraying his “experience” in the Great Land of Metaphorical Peen, and that will be my official recommendation to the Office of the Inspector General.

Author’s note: The “tip” for this post came from a friend, which is where some of my best blog posts are born. Keep those suggestions coming!

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