Friday, October 10, 2014

Toothbrush Popsicles

Access to oral hygiene is a privilege and a gift. At least that's the message I try to send my children. Even now as an adult, I'm amazed that no one's making me brush my teeth or go to the dentist. I mean, if I wanted to, I could just totally not brush my teeth and never get cavities filled. But I like the form and function of working teeth, and I'm lucky enough to have dental insurance, so I'm motivated to continue the habits that my own parents inculcated in me from an early age. As with every other aspect of parenting, tooth-brushing is an uphill battle. Paige only likes the mint toothpaste. Isaac only likes the bubblegum kind. And God help me if I confuse the two while helping them squeeze toothpaste onto their Barbie and Lightening McQueen toothbrushes every fucking morning and night. Although I try to help my kids brush their teeth, our bathroom mirror still looks like a Jackson Pollock retrospective done in saliva and Crest Kids. No matter what my children are doing at any given moment, they are loathe to stop doing it in service of good oral hygiene. My pleas to stop fighting/drawing/getting water/running around/doing a puzzle fall on (voluntarily-made) deaf ears, and are met with a resistance I'm simply not equipped to counter. So it was out of sheer desperation that I invented (or at least think I invented) "the toothbrush popsicle." The concept is quite simple, really, and here's a step-by-step recipe guide:

1. Squeeze desired flavor of toothpaste onto appropriate toothbrush.
2. Grab two wads of toilet paper off roll.
3. Walk over to wherever your kids are.
5. Shove a toothbrush in each of their mouths.
6. Swirl toothbrush around in their mouths for fifteen seconds while straddling their bodies as they try to squirm away from you like the greased pigs that they are.
7. Hold out the two wads of toilet paper for them to spit into.
8. Take the whole gestalt back to the bathroom for appropriate rinse and disposal.

See? It's that easy. Disgusting and pandering and a short-sighted short-cut? Yes. But easy. You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. LIBBY - I was eagerly scrolling through your blog making sure I was caught up on all the posts when I found this one, and burst out laughing (or really - snorting, if I'm being honest!) Please keep it up - it's my go-to read every day, and is becoming a key ingredient in helping me maintain sanity! :-) Love - Vlad


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