Friday, October 17, 2014

David Bowie's Junk

While listening to David Bowie on my iPod this morning, it occurred to me that the earliest stirrings of sexual awakening happen at the strangest and most unpredictable times. 

That's why I'll never let my kids watch Jim Henson's Labyrinth. IMDB describes the plot of this 1986 film as follows: "Fifteen-year-old Sarah [Jennifer Connelly] accidentally wishes her baby half-brother, Toby, away to the Goblin King Jareth [David Bowie] who will keep Toby if Sarah does not complete his Labyrinth in thirteen hours." 

The film is rated PG and sounds innocent enough. I mean, it's got Muppets in it for Christ's sake. But what the promoters of this film failed to mention is that the biggest and scariest Muppet appears in David Bowie's pants. The size of David Bowie's junk in this movie falls on the spectrum somewhere between a Burmese python and a Graffix bong smuggled into a Kiss concert in the crotch of a purple unitard. 

My parents took me to see Labyrinth in the theater when I was nine years old, and literally the main thing I remember about it is David Bowie's bratwurst. The quizzical horror and confusion I experienced staring at this man's crotch (in the 90% of the scenes in which it was featured) could quite frankly have been enough to put me in psychoanalysis for years. I remember feeling confused and terrified. Why is this man's penis so conspicuous? Why does it scare me more than anything else in this movie? And why is there a little goblin slave whose head is always within striking distance of it? 

And so it is that another "I will never do this to my own children" moment presents itself for consideration...


  1. I didn't watch Labyrinth until I was 16, but I experienced that same combination of horror and fascination. Bowie's conspicuous penis was clearly intentional, but that's not the only reason it's messed up that this was ever considered a children's film on any level.

    I heart your blog. It's like a piece of dark chocolate — rich, satisfying, and makes me feel just a little bit guilty for enjoying it so much. ;)

  2. damn. this is another example of my early sexual obliviousness. though i seem to recall seeing this movie in my 20s and still didn't twig to his dong.

    thanks for pointing this out. i will never watch the movie in the same way again.


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