Wednesday, October 10, 2018

For the Juneau Gonna Juneau Files: Leftover Shrimp Pad Thai for Sale on Craigslist

I stumbled upon this many months ago, and almost lost my ENTIRE shit when I saw it, but I’ve been saving it for the right time.

As it turns out, that time is a few days after returning home to Alaska from a failed diplomatic mission to our nation’s capital to save democracy from an irascible dry-drunk frat boy who just swore on a bible to uphold the constitution with the same hand he used to smother a 15 year-old girl at Beach Week?

But, I digress, because this post has nothing to do with newly-minted Justice Biff “Rage-Stroke” Boofington, and everything to do with the most Juneau ad ever posted to Juneau Craigslist.

Please let’s take a moment to appreciate and unpack this anonymous gem un-ironically selling leftover Shrimp Pad Thai for the original retail price of $15.95 or “interesting trade offers”:



Like what even IS this ish, Y'ALL?!?!? I legit have ALLLLLLLLLL the questions about this ad. 

For starters:

1. Why did you buy two orders of Shrimp Pad Thai for one person?

2. Would you really be “honestly sad to see it go?” I mean, this is language typically reserved for the retirement party of a valuable accounts receivable tech, not tomorrow’s lunch?

3. If you could “use the $15.95,” couldn’t you have used it an hour ago when you ordered twice as much dinner as you needed?

4. Again, being “willing to negotiate” is something you offer for like, a car or a bike or maybe a couch. Not a styrofoam container full of luke warm rice noodles and peanut sauce?

5. What are the chances that someone is going to happen to be looking at Craigslist and be hungry and be willing to buy leftovers from you in God the fuck knows where when they could just go to the restaurant and buy NEW Shrimp Pad Thai for the same price?

6. The phrase “interesting trade offers” is both obscure and vaguely troubling. You have to imagine that someone who seriously tries to sell their leftovers on Craigslist has ...  erm ... an unconventional idea of what constitutes an “interesting trade offer?”

7. What do we think “interesting trade offers” are? Like this could be anything from an innocent deck of cards or a sleeve of Oreos to a blow job or a happy ending or even your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. HARD PASS.

I mean ... this whole thing is so much WTF, I don’t even know where to start. Or end. 

Goodbye.

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