Sunday, August 12, 2018

Snail Jizz is Gonna Make Me Look Like Kylie Jenner

So here’s the truth of the matter, you guys: I don’t like getting older. Not one bit. Not from a physical standpoint, anyway. I don’t like insomnia, I don’t like creaky bones, I don’t like the carnage of erratic, vengeful menstrual cycles, and I ESPECIALLY don’t like wrinkles. 

I wish I felt otherwise; really I do. I wish I’d been raised in a less misogynistic and patriarchal society that didn’t brainwash me into believing that the only route to female happiness was to look as young and thin as possible for as long as possible, and believe me when I say I’ve worked hard to overcome this. 

But clearly I’ve failed, because I am now seriously considering jacking off a snail and getting him to “safely give up the goo” if it means I might look a tiny bit less old for even one more day of my ever-diminishing youth. You see, the collagen on my face is fleeing the jurisdiction faster than Paul Manafort with a hacked ankle monitor, and it seems the only solution is snail jizz.

Now before any of you snail biologist PhD types explain to me that snail slime is not in fact jizz, and that snails lay eggs and their slime is something else and their jizz is yet another thing entirely, let me make clear that IDGAF. It’s easier to call it jizz, and that’s what I’m calling it. 

Snail Jizz, aka, “the elixir of youth.”

This snail-jizz-as-everlasting-youth thing is actually a great side hustle when you think about it. I can’t even begin to tell you how many snails we have here in soggy-ass Juneau. They’re everywhere! And to think I’ve been spending a small fortune on a rotating stable of creams, serums, lotions, and potions when the secret to my crow’s feet was under an actual crow’s foot in my kale beds all along!

The only wild card is how to make these little guys “safely give up the goo.” That’s the $64,000 question. Do I show them like, snail porn? Like a girl snail in pasties and a thong? Do I take them to an erotic snail dancing club? I bet that dance takes a long time and the snail stripper pole is like, what ... an alder branch? 

Also how can I make these little bros jizz “safely,” right on my face? Snail jizz (or any jizz) on my face is not generally a preferred skincare product but again, if jizz means one less wrinkle give me a goddamned five gallon bucket of the stuff—snail, iguana, koala bear, gorilla—IDGAF.

Anyhoo back to safety. Safe for who? The snail? Me? The snail can die in ecstasy for all I care. And I can’t imagine that these tiny snails pose any danger to me? I didn’t bother watching the video to find out and once again I don’t care.

I’m ready to do what it takes to fluff the shit out of every snail in my garden and look like Kylie Jenner tomorrow k thx bye.




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