Thursday, August 9, 2018

Recent Juneau Municipal Dramz, Summarized

THE GREAT FLUORIDE DEBATE OF '06

Issue: Should Juneau fluoridate its municipal water supply?

Pro: Yes, if we don’t fluoridate our water, everyone’s teeth will rot out of their heads tomorrow. If you disagree, you’re an elitist asshole with dental insurance. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Con: No, if we fluoridate our water, our dicks will fall off immediately, our skin will glow in the dark, and we might as well call Juneau the next Chernobyl. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

THE WHALE SCULPTURE

Issue: Should we install a giant humpback whale sculpture near the cruise ship docks?

Pro: Yes, an enormous breaching bronze whale in an infinity pool will make Juneau a world class city. Take a seat, Eiffel Tower! Juneau is now the Paris of the North. If you disagree, you are a lowbrow philistine who will NOT LET JUNEAU BE GREAT AGAIN.

Con: No, every cent that went into this whale should have instead gone to math textbooks and a needle exchange. Not to mention the cruise ship industry now wants to bankrupt us and bury us in litigation. THANKS, TAKHU!

THE ROAD OUT OF JUNEAU

Issue: Should we build a road out of Juneau?

Pro: Yes, we are marooned in the forest and dying of cardiac arrest every minute. If we can’t drive our Ford F-150s hundreds of miles up an avalanche chute, we might as well renounce Statehood. Also our watermelons will continue to be prohibitively expensive. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Con: No, we should not spend the GDP of a small developing nation on this death trap of a boondoggle. Moreover, if we do, it will be littered with the corpses of extinguished stellar sea lion colonies and discarded “Why Extend the Dead End: Ferries Go All the Way” bumper stickers.

RAINBOW CROSSWALKS


Issue: Should a mystery Banksy-esque street artist be allowed to keep painting downtown crosswalks in rainbow colors?

Pro: Yes, the rainbow crosswalks give us LIFE, ya fuckin’ homophobes!

Con: No, the rainbow crosswalks violate the rule that says government must have zero chill and everything it touches should resemble a drab, Communist dystopia.

CHICKEN YARD PARK

Issue:
Should there be a private driveway running through a weird old dilapidated playground nestled into precariously steep streets?

Pro: Yes, everything should stay just as it’s always been forever.

Con: No, our children will be pancakes. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

SECOND CROSSING ON DOUGLAS

Issue: Should we build a second crossing from mainland Juneau to Douglas Island?

Pro: Yes, it’s OUTRAGEOUS that we have to drive an extra ten minutes out of our way to buy a bathmat, and also we are dying of cardiac arrest every second.

Con: No, the crossing cuts through the middle of the Mendenhall Wetlands; all the ducks will perish on our exhaust. THINK OF THE DUCKS.

DEBATING ALL OF THE ABOVE ON THE INTERNET

Issue: Should we continue to scream at each other re: all of the above on Juneau’s toxic community FB pages?

Pro: Yes, recreational outrage, quasi-anonymous saber-rattling, and misdirected rancor is a fun hobby that leads to productive dialogue.

Con: No, shit-posting your recreational outrage is more useless than tits on a slab of bacon, and not worth the elevation in blood pressure because it's not even bacon.




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