Dearest Leader Chairman Kim Jong Un,
Thank you for your nice letter. I look forward to seeing you on Geopolitical Theater Summit Photo-Op Day. I’m hoping you can bring some well-done Big Macs and ketchup on your big rocket ship, because the food here at camp is full of scary germs or is just pastries instead of a full breakfast. (My bunk mate John Kelly REALLY hated that)!
My counselors Sean and Rudy are the BEST and not low energy at all. They always tell me how great I am at sports and girls and money. Oh! And I measured my dick in the shower and guess what? I have the yoogest one in the whole camp! There are lots of tens here, but none with a rack like Ivanka.
I am doing SO many TERRIFIC activities here: In wood shop I’ve been putting the Constitution in a chipper shredder and repurposing it into two-ply toilet paper for my golden toilet bowl at home in Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue where I might shoot someone when I get home and see if everyone still loves me. I’ve been swimming in the tears of separated migrant children and also creating JOBS JOBS JOBS in arts and crafts. It’s been nice to have a break from reading all the FAKE NEWS about us.
I’m having trouble with sports because of my bone spurs, but otherwise I feel like the Very Stable Genius that I am. Also I’m running out of MAGA shirts and hats, so if my tariffs aren’t too high, can you send some more? But do NOT USE FAILING AMAZON. I hate Jeff Bezos.
Love and miss you,