Thursday, May 31, 2018

The Most Alaska Text Ever

This is an actual text a friend of mine who's from Ketchikan (but lives here in Juneau) sent me last night:


And it got me thinking, WOW. This really is the most Alaska text EVER. If I found a big pile of black fur in New York City (and maybe I have?) chances are it was a dead 25 pound rat that I tripped over in my thigh-high Doc Martens on the corner of Avenue D and Houston in 1991. 

It was certainly not a bear (those were in the Bronx zoo only) who took a shit in my garden (I lived in an apartment building and we killed all our house plants) and "ripped fur out of its ass."

'Tis the season, though, for what a friend from Kodiak (home of the Grizz) called "little bitches"--but I call "bears"--to crap giant hairy butt plugs out of their asses. When I tweeted this text yesterday, some smarty-pants know-it-all ursine biology genius was quick to point out that this is what bears do post-hibernation. 

Knowing nothing about bears other than that they are enormous, lumbering, scary, destructive raccoons who will fucking CRUSH YOUR HEAD LIKE A WATERMELON if you stand between them and an empty jar of Crunchy Jif, I decided to "research" the "bear shit butt plug." 

Here's what I learned, courtesy of the North American Bear Center (whatever TF that is).

The bear hair butt plug is called a "fecal plug." It's made from dried-up "intestinal secretions and cells that continue to slough off the inside of the digestive tract during hibernation."

Oh and also you guys? "pieces of footpads are also found in fecal plugs," (dissecting fecal plugs is someone’s job, I guess?!) because while the bears are sleeping, they "begin to shed the calloused soles of their feet . . . and lick their tender feet and ingest pieces of the pads." They also lick and groom themselves, which is how hair ends up in there. And "most bears in northern regions remain in dens so long that they develop extra large fecal plugs," which have an odor that is "not unpleasant."

This could not be more undignified! JUNEAU BEARS EAT THEIR FEET AND MAKE AN EXTRA LARGE FECAL PLUG OUT OF IT YOU GUYS. I'm actually trying to imagine what this would be like as a human. You'd basically chew your toenails and extra foot skin while semi-passed out for three months and then crawl into a garden and take a giant crap full of your own hair. Then you'd get elected 45th President of the United States.

"Extra Large Fecal Plug" sounds like a punk band I would've seen at CBGB (again, back on the Lower East Side in 1991). It's certainly not something I'd ever imagine getting texted about.

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