Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Not Sure My Kids Got the Memo About National Siblings Day

So, apparently it’s National Siblings Day, because in the age of social media, every day is some made-up hashtag holiday. Well, my kids didn’t get the memo. Or if they did, they chose to celebrate the occasion in their usual way, which is to fight like crazed animals all week long, competing for resources while deploying every weapon in their physical and psychological arsenal.

I’m an only child, so my barometer for what’s normal in terms of brother-sister relationships is probably skewed. Ideally, my children will be best friends now and forever, caring for their parents in our senescence and for each other long after we’re gone.

Sadly, at least right now, I feel like my kids will be lucky to make it to adulthood without killing or maiming each other. Here’s a sample of their interactions, on the eve of National Siblings Day:

The "Slime on the Sweater" Incident: Isaac tried to "dry off" a ball of green slime on Paige's favorite sweater. The ball of green slime also, coincidentally, belonged to Paige. When Paige got home her reaction was HOW COULD YOU LET HIM PLAY WITH MY SLIME AND NOW MY FAVORITE SWEATER IS RUINED AND IT WILL NEVER COME OUT AND MY SLIME IS GONE AND etc. etc. etc.

The "Shoe on the Sweatshirt" Incident: Sitting in the back seat of the car on the way home from Folk Fest last night, Isaac and Paige began to scuffle and Paige kicked him in the chest with her shoe, and Isaac's reaction was HOW CAN YOU LET HER JUST KICK ME IN MY BRAND NEW SWEATSHIRT SHE GOT MUD ALL OVER ME [EXPLETIVE/EXPLETIVE/EXPLETIVE] I can't even repeat the curse words that were flying for fear of revealing myself to be an even worse mother than I already have.

The "Breached Bedroom" Incident: Paige complained about Isaac breaching the threshold of her bedroom. MOM HE'S MESSING WITH MY STUFF I WANT TO CALL DOAK'S LOCK AND KEY AND GET THEM TO INSTALL A SPECIAL LOCK ON MY DOOR HE HAS ANGER ISSUES YOU SHOULD SEND HIM TO THERAPY to which Isaac responded I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES SHE SHOULD GO TO THERAPY I HOPE SHE TAKES DRUGS AND LIVES IN A BOX WHEN SHE GROWS UP!


The "Won't Stop Singing Annoying Song" Incident: Both of my kids like to annoy each other to the point of mental breakdown by singing songs or repeating the same thing over and over again, until they both scream MOM MAKE HIM/HER STOP!!!!!

The "Commandeered Computer" Incident: Isaac went to "research" a split board snowboard on the lap top, and Paige immediately began trying to "help" him find it. MOM IT WAS MY TURN WITH THE COMPUTER AND SHE JUST CAME OVER AND STARTED USING IT AND IT'S NOT FAIR AND etc. etc. etc.

And that was just one day. One. Fucking. Day.







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