Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Childbirth: Princess vs. Plebe

Based strictly on this photo and (some) personal experience alone, here’s how I’m guessing this distinction goes:

I. LABOR

Princess: William dear, I believe the prince is en route. Shall we call the driver and get to hospital?

Plebe: HURRY THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE! STEP ON IT! YOU DID THIS TO ME ASSHOLE THIS BABY IS COMING RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD THERE’S A TELEVISION SET COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA I’M GONNA PUKE PULL OVER PULL OVER PULL OVER ASSHOLE (PUKES) HOLY SHIT I THINK I’M DYING

II. DELIVERY

Princess: *Baby slides out of perfectly manicured vagina in one push* Oh helloooooo dear! Welcome to the British Royal Empire!

Plebe: *Screaming and wailing*: I AM DYING I AM DEFINITELY DYING AND GOING TO BE A MATERNAL MORTALITY STATISTIC TRACKED BY THE CDC ANY SECOND NOW WHERE IS THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST WITH MY EPIDURAL WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S PLAYING GOLF 30 MILES AWAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I AM SO DONE WITH THIS I NEED A C-SECTION IMMEDIATELY

III. BLEEDING


Princess: *one regular tampon’s worth of menstrual blood* The end.

Plebe: *10 weeks after delivery* WOW HOW AM I STILL BLEEDING INTO THESE GRANNY PANTIES? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THERE WOULD BE THIS MUCH BLOOD I ACTUALLY CAN’T BELIEVE I AM STILL EVEN ALIVE RIGHT NOW HOW CAN I PRODUCE THIS MUCH BLOOD AND STILL BE ALIVE THAT ONE BLOOD CLOT IS SO BIG I THINK IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ONE OF MY KIDNEYS?

IV. CLOTHING


Princess: *7 hours post-partum*: Jenny Packham dress in a daring red with a sweet Peter Pan collar, along with a pair of classic court heels by Gianvito Rossi that retail at $500.

Plebe: *7 hours post-partum*: Size XXL Star Wars pajama pants from Costco; XXL T-shirt from Rhode Island thrift store; husband’s gray Stussy hoodie from 1998; flip-flops.

V. POOPING

Princess: Does not poop. Ever. Full stop.

Plebe: *2 weeks after delivery*: MOM MOM MOM GET IN IN HERE I THINK I’M HAVING ANOTHER BABY EXCEPT THIS ONE IS COMING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE CALL THE DOCTOR OH WAIT NEVER MIND IT’S JUST TWO WEEKS OF SHIT IN ONE GIANT TURD THAT IS THE SIZE SHAPE AND COLOR OF A WORLD WAR I GRENADE/DIET COKE CAN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVEN IN MEDICAL SCHOOL OH YOU HAVEN’T THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT

VI. MOOD

Princess: Cheerio, fine citizens of London!

Plebe: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YES I AM WEEPING BECAUSE I DROPPED A PLATE OF VEGETABLE FRIED RICE AND BECAUSE THE CAT ON THE FANCY FEAST COMMERCIAL IS CUTE AND WHAT OF IT?!?!

VII. NURSING

Princess:
*Places one C-sized boob in mouth of perfectly latching infant for half an hour, hands off to nurse immediately.*

Plebe: GOD FUCKING HELP ME I AM A MISTREATED DAIRY COW PETA SHOULD SUE SOMEONE MY NIPPLES ARE IN A MEAT GRINDER WHY CAN’T THIS BABY GET COMFORTABLE MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE S/HE IS SUFFOCATING FROM THE SIZE OF MY TITTIES LITERALLY EACH TIT IS BIGGER THAN THIS BABY’S HEAD NO ONE TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE TO DO THIS AROUND THE CLOCK WHY DID NO ONE EXPLAIN THIS

VIII. SLEEPING


Princess:
*Hands baby to nurse on night one, sleeps full 8 hours*

Plebe: WHAT DAY IS IT? WHAT TIME IS IT? HOLY SHIT OMG WHERE IS THE BABY? OH WAIT IT’S STILL ON MY BOOB. DID I JUST HEAR IT CRY THOUGH OR WAS THAT AN AUDITORY HALLUCINATION FROM LACK OF SLEEP I FEEL LIKE THE SUBJECT OF A CIA BLACK OPS TORTURE INTERROGATION





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