Friday, March 9, 2018

This is Where We Are

Everyone keeps saying shit like, “we’ve reached Peak 2018,” or “this has to be rock bottom.” And yet, it seems like each day offers a new low/high of incredulous 2018 fuckery.

We each have our personal moments of 2018 fuckery spelunking, and my most recent such moment came at 5:09 a.m. this morning when, with my mind racing about all sorts of things, I somehow ended up following Stormy Daniels on Twitter.

I knew in that moment that I could no longer pretend everything was normal, not that I’d been trying. To that point, I’m a fan of reality as opposed to fiction. I love a good novel, of course. But I like to stare reality straight in the face and accept it for what it is.

I also think it’s important to keep a historical record of These Crazy Times™ for posterity, so I wrote a diary entry for future generations to study.

Dear Diary,

Today is the ninth day of March in the Year of Our Sentient Cheeto Overlord 2018. 

It appears that the President of the United States had an affair with a porn star named Stormy Daniels in 2006, when his wife—also kinda sorta a porn star or at least a porny-model?—was home with their infant son.

The President’s personal lawyer then paid Stormy $130,000 out of his own pocket for some reason, and made her sign a nondisclosure agreement about the affair. Fast forward to today, and the President’s villainous mercenary professional liar and propaganda sculptor on the order of Leonardo da Vinci accidentally admitted all of this to a room of assembled media, and Stormy’s lawyer is now suing to invalidate the nondisclosure agreement.

Both the President and Stormy spend a lot of time on Twitter, so I decided to get with the times and do the same. 

Although I remain confused about the spray of water emanating from Stormy’s backside in her banner picture, I’m intrigued. Is this supposed to be sexy? Or a wet fart? Or like a whale blowhole thing? Or is it just an unfortunate photo bomb? 

Whatever the answer, it’s horrifying and irrelevant to the point at hand, which is this:

Please be aware that this isn’t even really a story. In 2018, it’s like one small crest in the tidal wave of scandals such that it hardly even merits discussion. The fact that the President likes to get spanked by a porn actress with a Forbes magazine bearing his own likeness pales in comparison to the fact that his campaign colluded with an enemy of the state to install him in office and that the man could now blow us all up at the touch of a button. 

Really, I mention the Stormy affair only to condemn myself for wasting valuable brain space thinking about it.

I'd be remiss not to add that a quick perusal of Stormy’s tweets belies the “dumb blonde porn star” stereotype, because she appears quite smart and funny, and to have a firm grasp of the ridiculousness of the situation she is in. So my utmost respect to Stormy.

If you think none of this makes sense, you’re right, and with any luck you’re not even reading this because we are all extinct.

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