Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I Have All the Questions for this Woman Who Wants to Trade Four Young Chickens for Erotic but NOT NUDE Photos

Once again, I'm digging deep into the "Juneau Gonna Juneau" files—files that I'm starting to think need their own separate label over here at O.H.M.

I seriously don’t even know where to begin with this Juneau Craigslist ad from three years ago, which I had the good fortune to stumble upon thanks to an alert reader and reliable supplier of grist for the O.H.M. blog-making mill.

When you don’t know where to begin, it’s best to start at the beginning or sometimes the end. In this case, the end is where a 28 year-old woman who wants to trade chickens for erotic photos (“NOT NUDES”) makes the dubious claim that she is “not an idiot.”

I’m not so sure she she’s right about that, as I will explain.

Because when you think about it, posting an ad seeking to trade chickens for erotic pics is extremely weird and niche, if not downright idiotic. 

(Side bar: every time I make fun of one of these ads, some self-righteous fucker slides into my DMs to call me out and lecture me about being mean and kink-shaming. Then I lose my shit and go off the grid for 48 hours, because if you can’t make fun of a "chicken-for-NOT NUDES” anonymous Craigslist ad from three years ago in Juneau, then Sean Hannity is right, and we really ARE living in some kinda libtarded snowflake PC dystopia. And I refuse to accept that, so I am doing this).

Because I don’t understand.

Even the title, “chickens for erotic photos” is pretty niche. I recognize she doesn’t have money so she is trying to trade goods for services. It’s just that the combination of these two things is bizarre. I mean, "chickens for erotic photos” is kind of like “a coffee table book about hippos for a blow job.” It’s a very odd form of currency to traffic in, though obviously preferable (in my opinion) to “the oldest profession.”

But to me, the best part of this ad is her disclosure that the chickens recently hatched, do not have names, and do not fly yet, as if these are somehow key pieces of information to tell the huge pool of expert fashion photographers in Juneau searching Cragislist who are poised to make a deal to help a woman “look like the model that she knows she is,” in exchange for chickens, BUT who, once they learn that the chickens are already named and can fly, have reached a deal-breaking impasse.

(Side bar #2: I’m not a chicken biologist or a farmer, but I’ve never seen a chicken “fly” more than two feet off the ground. Typing that sentence just now led me to Google “do chickens fly,” and the answer is actually a little more nuanced than you might expect, so she gets a pass for this).

Yet she keeps going on about the chickens: “I will provide the outfits, props, and chickens.” “Please email me any questions you may have about the chickens.” Also “your choice of 4 young chickens with a small amount of feed.”

And finally, no creepers. So let’s review:

An as yet-undiscovered, non-idiot model ISO a non-creeper “expert” fashion photographer on Juneau Craigslist who is willing to take erotic but NOT NUDE photos of her in exchange for four young, unnamed, flightless chickens and a small amount of feed.


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