Saturday, March 3, 2018

A Cease and Desist Letter to My Children

Our House

Paige and Isaac
Our House

March 3, 3018

RE: Cease and desist fighting with each other

Dear Paige and Isaac,

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to: kicking each other in the butt for no reason; knocking over your brother's Jenga tower when that's obviously not part of the game; using your sister's Barbies to whack Fidget Spinners off a shelf; pointing a Nerf gun at your sister's face, putting Queso cheese sauce in your brother's hair; yanking the mini-trampoline out from under your brother mid-jump; launching a remote control helicopter off your sister's head; putting liquid soap on your brother's toothbrush; and telling your brother that you know for a fact that he was an "accident"
 have become unbearable. 

You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of my sanity. 

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. 

These remedies include but are not limited to: cracking down on loosely-enforced dish washing and laundry folding expectations; separating you into time outs in your respective rooms; forcing you to clean toilets if you cannot manage to get along for five fucking minutes; making empty threats; and to that end banning all sugar and screen time for the rest of your fucking LIVES.

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP fighting with each other and send me written confirmation--using the email addresses that we gave you to help you practice reading and writing but that you only use for emojis--that you will stop such activities. 

You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the Office of Children's Services or sending you to military school, as I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter.

This letter acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your unauthorized activities before I exercise my rights.




  1. How about a restraining order?

  2. I'm still laughing. You captured the frustration of every mom I know. My "kids" are now 39 and 50, but those days are not forgotten. Even though they were nearly 10 years apart, they fought like every pair of siblings. They get along really well now if that's any comfort.