Sunday, February 25, 2018

Trump Basically Wants a GoFundMe for His Military Parade So I Wrote the Pitch

According to FAKE NEWS CNN as reported by Talking Points Memo on 2/19/18 (so take this with a grain of salt):
The Pentagon is considering soliciting donations to fund the President’s requested military parade, which could cost between $3 million and $50 million, according to preliminary estimates from a defense official who spoke with CNN.

Because there is currently no money set aside for a parade in the military budget, the Pentagon would likely use those private donations to offset the cost of the non-military components of the event, according to CNN. Budget director Mick Mulvaney said Wednesday that he estimates the parade could cost between $10 million to $30 million.
(Side Bar: Yesthis is the same Mick Mulvaney who wants to send SNAP recipients a "Blue-Apron-Style Harvest Box" of "shelf-stable milk" and Skippy peanut butter, thanks for asking).

In the pre-Trump world, we'd be roasting this for weeks, but because Trump operates at a 67:1 scandal-to-day ratio, it's hard to keep up. 

Still, we don't want to forget that Trump at some point wanted--and at some point probably will want again--a Banana Republic, Fidel-Castro-style military parade on the Washington Mall. 

Since Congress failed to budget for this boondoggle, we're going to need to raise $30 million to make Donald happy. So I took the liberty (PUN INTENDED) of writing the GoFund Me pitch:

Greetings My Fellow Humans,


On the morning of November 9, 2016, Donald J. Trump was elected 45th President of the United States. This came as a BIGLY surprise to everyone (except Vladimir Putin and a coder named Gucifer 2.0), but no one was more surprised than Donald himself.

Donald was NOT expecting to get such a big important job all of a sudden. His plan was just to be more famous and make more money so he could quickly divorce his third wife with a giant payout and non-disclosure agreement. 

But now--tragically--he has found himself in WAY over his corn silk weave-covered head.

Aside from being really mean and knowing nothing, the main problem with Donald is that he is very sensitive and his feelings are easily hurt. 

He watches a lot of TV and if anyone says anything bad about him on TV he immediately goes on Twitter, presses the caps-lock key on his unsecured Android, and starts screaming about CROOKED HILLARY and the RUSSIAN HOAX and NO COLLUSION and FAILING FAKE NEWS CNN and TERRIBLE RATINGS. And it's all very scary for all of us because—as he has reminded us—he has a BIG BUTTON and his button WORKS! 

Not to put too fine a point on it, Donald can explode us all tomorrow if he wanted to. 

So you see, it's very VERY important that we make Donald feel good about himself and remind him that he is a Very Stable Genius (TM).

We must never ever say his hands are tiny, and we must always say his crowds and ratings are yooge. We must continue to reinforce the idea that he is the richest, handsomest, smartest, and most beloved and admired man in the whole entire world. 

And the absolute pinnacle of that is an expensive, garish, tacky despotic parade that will ensure our Dotard in Chief knows just how loved and respected he is by each one of his loyal subjects and by the Mighty Army that He Alone Commands.

Please consider donating today! The life you save may be your own.

Sincerely,

America



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