Saturday, January 27, 2018

I Want Neurosurgery to Remove Butt Rock Lyrics from My Brain

Surely insurance will cover this? If not, it should.

It seems grossly unfair—or at least wasteful and inefficient—for precious brain space to be occupied by lyrics to songs like “I Saw Red” and “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, or “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison.

The older I get, the more valuable my mental real estate becomes. It’s all I can do to keep the basic organizational details of the sinking nonprofit known as my household from eluding me.

Is Tuesday Battle of the Books, or is that Wednesday? When is the Montessori preschool fundraiser again? Have I read the board packet for that board I’m on? How jam-packed with meetings is my Thursday, and have I adequately prepared for them? What’s the fucking password to my Amazon Prime/Netflix/kids’ sports/bank account again?

To say nothing of all the optional things I wish my brain had room for, such as learning Mandarin or how to hunt and field dress a moose, or operate heavy machinery with hydraulics, or playing the banjo or get really good at tap dancing.

Honestly it’s legitimately offensive to me that there are Warrant and Poison lyrics squatting in my neurons when there is literally no use for them AT ALL EVER AGAIN (if there ever was), and I could just as easily be using that same gray matter for literally anything else.

Do I really need to know that Jani Lane “saw red when I opened up the door I saw red my heart just spilled onto the floor and I didn’t need to see his face I saw yours I saw red and then I closed the door I don’t think I’m gonna love you anymoooooooore” or that “she’s my cherry pie tastes so sweet make a grown man cry something something is a sweet surprise sweet cherry piiiiiiiiiie”

No.

Do I really need to know that Bret Michaels thinks “we both lie silent and still in the dead of the night though we both lie close together we feel miles apart inside was it something I said or something I did did the words not come out right well I tried not to hurt you well I tried but I guess that’s why they say every rose has its thorn just like every night has its dawn just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song every rose has its thorn?”

Also no.

I literally typed ALL of that from MEMORY without the aid of Google! I don’t have this kind of cranial resources to spare! 

What a goddamned fucking waste this is.


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