Friday, December 22, 2017

Home for the Holidays!: The Official O.H.M. Guide to Family Harmony

Christmas is a lot of pressure. Everyone wants it to be perfect, and yet simmering under the surface are long-buried and sometimes not-so-buried family dynamics, so harmony can be a challenge.

Here's O.H.M's guide to family harmony over the holidays, specifically, this is all the stuff you need to ask or tell your family IN YOUR HEAD, lest you say any of it out loud. 

I suggest you print this post out on a notecard, laminate it, and every time you feel like you'e going to blurt one of these things out, just cross it off with a Sharpie as it occurs to you, m’kay?


TO YOUR CHILDREN

Are you seriously fighting over a cardboard box right now?


*Looks at Calendar* When do you go back to school again?

If you don’t stop fighting and clean up this mess, I’m telling Santa not to come! In fact, I'm going to shoot him in the face with a BB gun so that he can't go to anyone's house and IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT!

Do you realize some kids in this world don’t even HAVE cookies AT ALL?!

I'm going to throw the iPad out the window. 

Say you're bored one more time. Go ahead. Say it. ONE.  More. Time. 

YOU'RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!!

TO YOUR PARENTS

How do you even function in modern society when you still can't update an app on an iPhone?

Are you ever going to throw away this hideous collection of [BLANK]?

What am I supposed to do with all this shit when you die?

Wow. [DEAD PARENT OR RELATIVE] is probably rolling over in his/her grave right now.

Dont'sayTrumpdon'tsayTrumpdon'tsayTrumpdon'tsayTrump

YOU'RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!!

TO YOUR SIBLINGS

Why were you always the favorite again?

Why do you always get all the good shit?

Why are you so selfish?

Wow. So THIS is why we hardly ever hang out!

And to think just yesterday I said I wished we lived closer.

Remember that time you tortured me over that one thing for no reason?

Are you really going to let your kids jump all over the furniture?

What are we going to do with all of this shit when mom and dad die?

Do you think we could maybe hang out ONE time without regressing into childish dynamics?

I disagree with your life choices.

Are you EVER going to grow the fuck up?!

Dont'sayTrumpdon'tsayTrumpdon'tsayTrumpdon'tsayTrump

YOU'RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!!

TO YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER

Are you just going to sit there on your phone doing nothing?

Oh and YOUR family is so much better I guess?!

OMG you put THAT in the Christmas letter? What is WRONG with you?!

Oh YOU do everything? What a joke! I don't think so! I do everything!

What the fuck is wrong with you, seriously?!

Maybe we should get divorced/break up.

YOU'RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!!



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