Monday, December 4, 2017

For Reals, You Gotta Be Dumber Than Shit on a Shoe to Steal a Car in Juneau

Really, it’s that simple. And I say this as someone whose car has been stolen at LEAST three times, albeit growing up in the Bronx, where it actually makes sense to steal a car.

I’m not sure whether the truck reported stolen in this Facebook post is the same vehicle that a 22 year-old with an outstanding warrant tried to register at the Juneau DMV, but regardless, the only thing dumber than stealing a car in Juneau is stealing a car in Juneau and then trying to register it with the DMV.

REALLY?! S'like, what now? I mean, I get that reasons exist to steal a car here—like joy riding and selling small parts for drugs, but by and large this is one of the dumbest crimes imaginable.

At least in the Bronx, the car thieves of yore were the Gone in 60 Seconds-type professionals who you could almost respect for their craft. 

These car thieves plied their trade in the capital of car thievery, and they knew how to override club locks and alarm systems with prodigious speed. They would zip away with your vehicle in no time flat, and off it would go into the void, destined for a chop shop to be stripped and sold for parts, or to a shady livery cab service where it would be re-purposed into a taxi you'd end up almost getting raped in someday.

Bottom line, I can fucks with a Bronx car thief. Not so Juneau, whose car theft game is weak AF.

The dumbest thing about stealing a car in Juneau, of course, is that there is BASICALLY NOWHERE TO TAKE A CAR IN JUNEAU. Literally the road ends with a giant sign that says END OF ROAD in at least three different places. Juneau is a closed universe only accessible by plane or boat, and has a limited number of paved miles on which to operate a vehicle, so that begs an important question that is the central thesis of this post:

What the fuck are you supposed to do AFTER you steal a car in Juneau? 

At least one possible answer: drive it to the end of one of the aforementioned three road-endings and wait to be arrested. I suppose you could abscond with it on the ferry, but that would presumably cost more money than you’re ready to spend, since you’re stealing a car in the first place.

By the way, no sooner had I drafted this post, then coincidentally yet ANOTHER friend reported that her van was stolen, too! (UPDATE: it’s been found, thus proving my point).

For real?! 

God this is the dumbest thing ever. Like this must be the average day in the life of a Juneau car thief: wake up, slam head through dry wall, brush teeth with shaving cream, drink a Red Bull & bleach on the rocks, play Grand Theft Auto, shitpost some grammatically incorrect shade to ex girlfriend's MySpace page, huff glue, eat a spoonful of rubber cement, steal another car.

I’ve said this every day for over a year, but it bears repeating: We have reached the event horizon of stupidity. The stupid hurts. That said, any of these dumbros is welcome to my hoopty. Just do a good job stealing it so I can collect the insurance money which is def more than that POS is worth.





1 comment:

  1. The thing is, time and space are relative to personal experience. You could ask the same question for someone who lives in Nebraska. You're still a stupid fuck whose shit luck is numbered with no where else to go. Stealing a car is just an expression and metaphor for demarcation.

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