Thursday, September 7, 2017

These Tweets from Someone Named Prince Fuckboy Prove I Have No Idea What is Even Happening on This Planet

Sometimes I encounter something or someone, and I just have to shake my head and admit to myself that I basically have no fucking idea what is even happening on this planet. 

Like I'm in Denver for work, right, and in a six block radius no fewer than six hale and hearty aggressive white men with dogs demanded money of me and I'm just like WUUUUT. 

I mean, I grew up in NYC and I'm certainly no stranger to panhandling and I am fine with it. But these guys were seriously garnering ZEEERR-O sympathy. Like really dude? You were born a white man in America, you have a healthy dog on a leash, and you're asking me for quarters and then screaming at me when I ignore you? 

Like what is even happening on this planet right now. Which seems like an odd segue to Prince Fuckboy, but it's not.

I stumbled on Prince Fuckboy on Twitter and reading his timeline was proof positive that I really have no idea what is even going on on planet earth.

LEGIT there is a corner of the Internet and presumably the world in which speaking fluently and casually of fucking dragons and cryptids is a thing. I don't even know what a cryptid IS, and I'm afraid to Google it lest my browser cookies conclude that I want to fuck one.

Not only that, but apparently your choice of morning caffeine beverage determines what type of monster you are prone to fucking. The "classic" monsters like zombies and werewolves are for coffee and tea drinkers, dragons and cryptids are for tea drinkers, and robots and aliens are for coffee addicts.

I can't get enough coffee into my bloodstream fast enough between the hours of 6 and 8 a.m., and yet I've never considered fucking an alien OR a robot, unless you count like half the dudes I hooked up with in college. 

Then, yes. Of course then.

My point is this: there is a white dude with a pet dog screaming at me for a quarter, there's a community of tea drinkers who fuck cryptids and tweet about it, and I just give up on trying to make sense of planet earth anymore.

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