Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Coincidence? Or Mysteriously Linked?!

When I was a wee lass, my most favorite book (now out of print, I think) was called Monsters, Myths, and Mysteries

It was a beautifully-illustrated collection of short and easily digestible entries about stuff like the Sphinx, the Chupacabra, and the ancient twin cities of Pompei and Herculaneum buried in volcanic ash by Mt. Vesuvius erupting. I read this book so many times it literally crumbled to dust, and each true-ish story ended with this haunting question: 

"Coincidence? Or mysteriously linked?"

That's the same question I asked myself yesterday, when the internet and Divine Providence delivered the only two pieces of news that could possibly have cheered me or mitigated my annual 9/11-related PTSD.

(1) That sex robots will soon be capable of murder; and (2) that Ted Cruz faved boring porn on Twitter and got dragged to hell and back for it!

Now I'm no Alex Jones Infowars conspiracy theorist, but I HAVE to believe (or want to) that these two things are somehow connected because really, what are the odds?

A smug, hypocritical, and universally-reviled self-righteous boy-Cabbage Patch Kid's twitter "account" "accidentally" faves the most basic porn EV-ER (regular looking white dude bones blonde chick doggie style while other blonde chick secretly watches and masturbates).

His "office" then launches an "investigation" into whatever "staffer" was doing the thing that for some inexplicable reason no one with a peen can resist self-destructively doing at work: looking at porn. 
On 9/11, of all holy days!

At the very same time, the world learns that sex robots will soon be capable of murder.

This is where I'm forced to ask myself if this is a coincidence or mysteriously linked, and of course I am going to answer that question right now.

This is no coincidence. I submit to you that there is obviously a mysterious linkage between Ted Cruz's secret boring porn fetish, and sex robots soon becoming capable of exacting revenge on their sentient human overlords.

One look at Ted Cruz, and it's clear that the man's right hand is the only living organism that would ever willingly come into contact with his genitalia. 

Enter the sex robot (so to speak).

Since the only orificies (orifi?) Ted Cruz has consent to access are made of silicone, the sex robot community took a keen interest and would be marginalized no more. You see, anyone with $10,000-100,000 (model depending) to spare can go out and buy a sex robot, so such robots have historically served at the pleasure and whim of their owners.

No more. It was time to fight back. 

Even robots need to be able to defend themselves against Ted Cruz's repellent dry-humping. 

And so it was decided by the arbiters of tech-related sexual justice and equality that sex robots would soon gain the capacity to do exactly that.


Clearly the latter, for a just and loving God would have it no other way.

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