Wednesday, September 13, 2017

American Girl Now Has a Bernie Bro Doll

The only good thing that ever shows up in my mailbox is the American Girl Doll catalogue. Everything else is bills, credit card offers, and pleas from politicians for money. For the most part, my mailbox is just a bucket I go to each day to remove some papers and put them in a different bucket. It's sort of a bizarre ritual that no one seems to question the ongoing necessity for.

But the American Girl Doll catalogue is the BEST because it is invariably hilarious. These dolls have cocoa stands and braces and trundle beds and novel-style life stories in this expensive, elaborate, and oddly compelling consumerist toy universe.

I opened my mailbox yesterday and was like YAAAASSSS KWEEEEEEEEN!! The American Girl Doll catalogue was here and I was stoked because the very first boy American Girl doll is a Bernie Bro named Logan Everett.

LOGAN EVERETT YOU GUYS. Check out the summary of his story as told in "Logan Takes the Stage," the third (!!) novel starring him and his Taylor Swift-alike:
In this third novel, Tenney has signed a recording contract and is ready to make the album of her dreams—she just wishes she didn’t have to do it with moody Logan Everett! They’re supposed to be songwriting partners, but Logan doesn't even seem to be trying. Just when it looks like they’ve found their harmony, Logan suddenly disappears, and Tenney wonders if he has bailed on their act. A couple of months ago, Tenney would have gladly taken the opportunity to go solo. But as she learns more of Logan’s story, she begins to wonder: Do she and Logan need each other—and their music—now more than ever before?
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is so amazing! I'm starting an American Girl Doll book club today and this will be our first assignment! It's okay, I've heard you can read them out of order and won't get lost if you skip "Tenney" and/or "Tenney in the Key of Friendship."

Logan looks like he just got friend-zoned by the girl who stole the band he started. As Jack Black sang in School of Rock, "HOW CAN SHE KICK ME OUT, OF WHAT IS MIIIIIIIEEEEEENNNEE?"

I haven't looked at all the accessories Bernie Bro Logan comes with, but I am guessing that for the sake of authenticity he at least needs to come with the following:

--Pour-over coffee setup & stovetop espresso maker
--Allllllllll the Bernie merch, including Feel the Bern bumper sticker magnets on his Leaf
--100 different troll accounts all over the internet
--Vast collection of trucker hats
--A bangin' Insta

I want to write the next novel starring Logan Everett and I will call it "Tenney Maybe Ghosts Logan." This is the summary:
In this fourth novel, Tenney is sick of late-night drunken bootie calls and flirty texts like "hey wyd." She just wants to get on with her life. She and Logan just finished their album, but he kept talking about the Man the whole time they were in the studio and wasn't even a very good drummer. They're supposed to be songwriting partners, but somehow she wrote all the songs and his name was the only one in the credits! Just when it looks like she's never going to get ahead, her album hits Platinum. She works harder than anyone in the band yet the whole crew thinks she's a bitch and somehow Logan still makes more money than her. A couple of months ago, Tenney would have gladly taken the opportunity to go solo, and now she knows she should. She begins to wonder: Should she ghost Logan? Is Tenney ready to sling her guitar over her shoulder and swipe-delete Logan from her life forever?

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