Tuesday, August 22, 2017

The 10 Types of Juneau Rain: Your Definitive Guide

1. The Widowmaker: So named for its ability/tendency to bring down small water and air craft, this pounding rain is accompanied by fog so dense you forget that mountains, trees, and other terrain features ever existed on earth. Suggested attire/equipment: head-to-toe rubber and a float coat.

2. The Hydraulic Needles: This is what Forrest Gump would call the “little bitty stingin’ rain.” It’s characterized by small, painful, wind-driven droplets usually delivered in a direct hit to the face at a 45 degree angle. Suggested attire/equipment: protective eyewear.

3. The Escapeable Misery: This is the dreary rain that falls only on cursed downtown and Douglas, and that you can fortunately easily escape by driving 25 miles further north to Lena. Suggested attire/equipment: Goretex on Douglas and downtown; T-shirt and shorts at Eagle Beach.

4. The October Non-Surprise: This is the rain that falls, predictably, throughout the entire month of October. Suggested attire/equipment: more head-to-toe rubber.

5. The Julytober: This is the rain that falls, somewhat less predictably, throughout the entire month of July, turning the summer into an unwelcome predecessor to fall. Suggested attire/equipment: the three Ps: Pot, Prozac and a Plane ticket.

6. The Snain: As its name suggests, this is the snow-rain combo that can fall anytime from October to April, and makes you question if there will ever be real snow or real winter again, or if we are just going to continue our long, depressing slide into irreversible climate change. Suggested attire/equipment: hat, gloves, down, rubber, a powerful lobbyist.

7. The Winter-killer: This is the “big ol’ fat rain” that arrives shortly after a really great snow and makes the entire ski hill, nordic trails, and every frozen lake thaw to shit, thus setting winter back into fall by another month. Suggested attire/equipment: The Three P’s.

8. The Axl Rose: This is the cold rain that falls in November, so named for Guns N’ Roses’ signature hit song, “November Rain.” Suggested attire/equipment: an iPod with this song playing on loop.

9. The Sidewinder: This is any of the foregoing types of rain, propelled by winds over 35 mph and coming straight at your face due east or west. In other words, "the rain that flew in sideways." Suggested attire/equipment: everything listed above.

10. The Misty Mountain Cloud Trap: This is the type of misty rain you experience when you are literally INSIDE a cloud, and you say to yourself, wow. I can’t believe I am in a cloud. On the ground. But yet here I am. INSIDE a cloud. On the GROUND. How did I get here? Suggested attire/equipment: A substantial chunk of time to take stock of your entire life.

An anonymous creative genius posted this in the break room at work. I wish I could take credit for it, but alas!

1 comment:

  1. Send me your email address and I will send a copy of my poem--Rainforest Dictionary --that is on this theme.


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