Sunday, August 27, 2017

How to Avoid Catching Feels

1. Do not access the internet.

2. If you must access the internet, rinse your eyeballs thoroughly with bleach for 45 seconds after each use.

3. Do not call, email, text, look at, PM, DM, or view the social media profiles of anyone you have ever slept with in the past, are sleeping with in the present, or would ever consider sleeping with in the future.

4. Do not leave your house for any reason.

5. If you must leave your house for some reason, cover your head with a brown paper bag with two eyes cut out for holes and wear headphones that play only white noise.

6. Do not call, email, DM, PM, or text another human being for any reason unless you are positive they will return your overture in a satisfying manner within 5 hours' time.

7. Do not watch videos of baby animals or humans doing cute things.

8. Maintain an emergency supply of whiskey, marijuana, Ambien, and/or other feels-killing drugs and alcohol on hand at all times. Some of these substances may actually reduce your immunity to feels, in which case just consume more until you fall asleep for a long long time.

9. Cultivate fear: ignore that song where Katy Perry says "don't be afraid to catch feels." Be afraid.

10. Do not share a toothbrush or split french fries with anyone you just slept with.

11. Don't watch Beaches on cable.

12. Don't listen to Jeff Buckley or Elliot Smith (The first drowned in the Mississippi River under mysterious circumstances and the second stabbed himself to death. Also their music is really sad).

13. Vaccinate yourself against the feels by thinking really hard about the most unattractive physical attribute or personality trait of the person for whom you feel a case of feels coming on.

14. Build your immunity to feels by hardening your heart, soul, mind, and spirit against this cruel, meaningless world we are all forced to share.

15. If you think like you might be getting feels, go to work and start reading all your reply-all emails. That'll take care of that.

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