Monday, August 28, 2017

All of Juneau Totally Done Giving Any Fucks About the Eclipse

As of 6:00 a.m. AST today, Alaska’s capital city was officially, totally, and collectively done giving even one single, solitary fuck about last week’s solar eclipse.

The once-in-a-century astronomical event presented the rest of the nation with a welcome and joyous break from neo-Nazis and nuclear warfare, but gave Juneauites only another dismal moment to grumpily and invidiously ogle the sun’s existence on social media from under the cover of their bedclothes.

The sun—a bright, glowing, 695,700 km spherical mass of hot, life-giving plasma at the center of our solar system—has not made a meaningful appearance over the remote Southeast Alaskan hamlet in six weeks, although technically its citizens have lost count.

In other words, not only was the eclipse invisible from the skies above Juneau, but the sun itself and actual sky weren’t either, nor have they been, nor will they be for the foreseeable future.

“It’s safe to say I’m totally over the eclipse. You could say I'm "in totality" of fuckless-ness,” said Jane Smith, a state employee approached for comment under an awning, where she and O.H.M. had sought refuge from a downpour. 

“Like if I see one more picture of the eclipse or anyone in eclipse glasses I’m gonna lose my shit,” she continued. “I mean, we can’t even get the sun to show up here to begin with. Why would I want to see it getting covered up by the moon in Nashville or Oregon?"

Tim Jones, a construction worker who was digging up one of the 10,000 streets currently being pounded by jackhammers throughout Juneau's 60 miles of pavement, echoed Ms. Smith's sentiment. 

“I seriously don’t give a single fuck about the eclipse now, if I ever did,” said Mr. Jones. “Frankly I’m moving on to being worried about that hurricane in Texas,” he added. “As we here in Alaska know all too well, climate change totally blows and I’m redistributing what few fucks I have left back to that issue and the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Houston for now."

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