Wednesday, July 5, 2017

William H. Seward is Out in These Streets Looking Like He Wants to Dox the Alaska Legislature or at Least Mix Shit Up

It's like I want him to become animate and just start spitting bars:

My name is Seward (WUT)
My rhymes is fluid (WUT)
I’m made of bronze and my cloak looks like a Druid (WUT)
I’m gonna turn a FROWN
I’m gonna raise a BROW
I gotta feelin’ all you citizens is stupid (POW!)

I’m comin’ down off this pedestal
Make history accessible
The ignorance behind me is incredible

I was born in New York, my dad was Sam Sweezy
My fam owned slaves so you know I had it easy
Floated down to Georgia (in case nobody told ya)
Came back to New York as a practicin’ lawyah
Only twenty-three, yo I married Frances Miller
Wanted to be governor and won it in a thriller

I’m anti-slavery
That took some bravery
The southern states that opposed us was unsavory
I worked with Lincoln
That was good thinkin’
Cause that brother kept the ship of state from sinkin’

I know diplomacy
I drop it potently
I bought Alaska from the Russians very notably
I’m in the ice BOX
I’m wavin’ nice DOX
It ain’t the budget it’s a treaty
For some big ROCKS
They called it folly (FOOLS)
I wasn’t Lincoln’s TOOL
I know a land deal when I see one
Haters over-RULED!

I'm a model statesman and I'm mad AF
When Trump's done with this country there'll be nothing left
This ain't sky scrapers
He ain't Don Draper
He be treatin' the Constitution like toilet paper

I'm a patriot who never bagged the Oval Office
But I'm still droppin' science from my stony orifice
Y'all better guard the republic, this ain't FAKE NEWS
I didn't get stabbed in the face for no Ivanka shoes!
I'm a statue but I got more brains than halfa yous.
What's it gonna be now?
Fascism or freedom, fuckers?
You choose.

BILLY SEW OUT (Mic drop).


  1. Pretty damned good sculpture, I say. Usually we see weak facsimiles that are completely uninspiring here in AK. That he is an actual Alaskan is almost shocking.

  2. The following should be in the next Norton Anthology:

    I’m comin’ down off this pedestal
    Make history accessible
    The ignorance behind me is incredible


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