Monday, July 3, 2017

Reminder from Bears to the People of Alaska: We Gonna Fuck You UP!

Dear People of Alaska,

This is your annual reminder that we are bears, and we gon’ fuck you UP.

It’s easy to get complacent over the winter and forget that we bears are actually even a thing. Believe us. We get it. We've been unconscious for a long time so we almost forgot about us too.

But this is our time now. We were marauding up in this piece long before all y’all, and you best hide your garbage/selves and stay the FUCK up out our way.

It’s 48 degrees in July, there are zero berries, we’ve been asleep for six months, and we are HANGRY AF! According to Wikipedia (whatever that is), the females of our species "tend to become short-tempered with their mates after copulating." Surely human females can relate, but you ain't seen nothing yet in terms of temper tantrums. 

We OWN that shit.

It’s barely even July, and already one of us crashed through the window of a kid’s bedroom in Anchorage. Another one of us charged an 11 year-old in Hoonah. There have been maulings and attacks, some with tragic consequences in south-central and some without down in Juneau. We’ve even been caught shopping for booze.

Brown bears, black bears, polar bears, whatever; we’re not making light of these encounters by any means. But the reality is we are out of our dens and we’re not gonna take it anymore. 

We don’t know what’s going on in your world, and we don’t care. We’ve heard rumors that you have a senile, hollowed-out decorative gourd running the asylum of American democracy and that the entire planet might get vaporized because of it. “IF TRUE” (as the FAKE NEWS likes to say), that obviously sucks for you AND us. But it’s not our immediate concern.

Here’s what is: waking up, eating salmon and berries, protecting our cubs, copulating to make new cubs, and storing up fat so we can do it all over again a year from now. 

And our track record isn’t bad, if we don’t say so ourselves. Despite your best efforts to shit up the planet like the selfish asswads you are, at least some of us are reproducing at a breakneck pace and eating all of your peanut butter in the process.

We are not here for negotiations and we are definitely not here to make friends. We are coming for your garbage, your cars, your garages, your candy racks, and yes—your salmon. So all you big dick-swinging "Second Amendment People" better put up or shut up, get loaded for bear, and be quick on the draw.

The ultimate takeaway point here is this: get the fuck up out our way this summer, or you’re going to end up with a good story at best, and a probate of your last will and testament at worst.




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