Sunday, July 9, 2017

Rejection Letter

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest, but at this time, we are unfortunately unable to give a fuck.

Please understand we receive hundreds of requests for fucks per day. From kids who want us to give a fuck about their broken fidget spinners, to colleagues who want us to give a fuck about signing a Happy Retirement card, to people who want to literally fuck us, it's truly staggering the sheer number of fucks we are asked to give on any given day.

That said, your request for a fuck was compelling.

It was not so trivial as to be an automatic hard pass, like asking us to give a fuck what someone on the internet said about us or that there's old cottage cheese rotting in the back of the third floor break room refrigerator. However, it also failed to be truly persuasive, like offering us a concrete answer to the question: "If I were alive during one of the darkest moments in living memory, how would I show that I gave a fuck?"

Your request for the giving of a fuck shows promise. We encourage you to send us future inquiries at: 

Again, due to volume, please allow six to eight weeks for delivery of a fuck. If you do not receive a fuck by then, please consider your application denied.



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