Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Planet Alaska Kid: An O.H.M. Special

*Nature Documentary Voice*

Ahhhhhh. 

And here we come upon a young female, perhaps 9 or 10 years of age, outside of her natural habitat. You can see she is agitated, having just entered a hot car in the Bronx, in July.

The Alaska Kid's usual summer habitat--even accounting for climate change--is presently 61 degrees Farenheit, a full 25 degrees cooler than where we observe this particular individual today.

If you listen closely, you can hear her plaintive wails about how unbearably hot it is, and how she can't stand it, and how can anyone possibly live this way, and how she is sure she is dying, and so on. 

Actually, you don't have to listen closely at all. She is in fact extremely loud and quite easy to hear.

This species of human child is simply unaccustomed to the heat, since it is cold AF 24/7/365 in her native habitat of Southeast Alaska. Her pale skin is ill-adapted for the scorching sun, and her tender haunches are infrequently braised by a searing hot metal seatbelt.

Young females such as this individual are often spotted hanging off their mother's purse or fighting with their siblings, and moaning and groaning that they have a headache and yet refusing to drink more water or take some Tylenol which are the only possible solutions at that particular moment.

In next week's episode of Planet Alaska Kid: we overhear a young male individual of this species call a pigeon a ptarmigan, and ask if there is "good fishing" off the New Jersey Turnpike near Newark Airport.

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