Saturday, July 15, 2017

Juneau Could Really Use More Dog Shit Wait No Juneau is Actually Fucking CRUSHING it on That Front!

When I posted yesterday on Facebook the sarcastic (and, I thought) relatively uncontroversial statement that Juneau could use more dog shit--especially wet dog shit--I didn't expect the lively debate that followed. In retrospect I should have, because even the most innocuous statements seem to trigger debate in the comments section of any online forum.

One friend leaped to the defense of dog shit by saying that it was just as bad as wild animal shit (Maybe? No idea. I do know that Bears don't routinely eat Purina), and that there was way worse stuff than fecal matter in municipal water runoff like steroids and drugs and diesel fuel and mine tailings. 

While I don't dispute any of that, this line of reasoning doesn't QUITE tackle the question at the core of my post yesterday, which is whether Juneau could use MORE dog shit, as opposed to how the EXISTING dog shit stacks up against other stuff you probably don't want in your morning shower or coffee.

So I will address that question, less sarcastically this time, by saying that Juneau is definitively CRUSHING it at dog shit. 

Dog shit is everywhere! It's in little piles on the sidewalk in front of businesses downtown, it's on the trails in little baggies (or not), it's at your kid's school, it's in your yard whether you own a dog or not. 

It's ALL OVER THE PLACE! Juneau FUCKING KILLS IT AT DOG SHIT OKAY?!

Let me get out in front of this one and say I love dogs and would have one myself if not for two things: allergies and shit. 

Their fur makes my face explode and leak snot and tears, and their shit makes me just leak tears. Kids are no better than dogs, I realize, although dogs in Juneau have happier and better-attended lives than kids in many parts of the world. And in terms of their carbon footprint, human children are much worse. But still, if all goes according to plan, kids do stop needing you to manage their assholes, and that's a huge plus for me.

When I woke up at 4:25 this morning light was streaming under my bedroom door. I thought someone had left a light on overnight but it turns out it was the SUN.

Since I was already crying for no reason, I figured I would wake up my sister wife who does triathlons and she picked up her cell phone out of a dead sleep with a groggy "hey dude" and is now coming to pick me up for a hike.

My main goal now is to feel less depressed, get home in one piece and before anyone misses me, absorb some Vitamin D, and step in dog shit with my sneakers that have the extra deep grooves in their soles.

#Goals.

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