Thursday, July 20, 2017

12 Things That Happened Within 12 Hours of Landing at Newark Airport

1. I stepped outside of the terminal in Newark New Jersey and straight into a fucking sauna.

2. I wanted to leave immediately for the week in Maine, where we are headed for a family wedding and vacation.

3. I wrote a long blog post about the caloric content of jizz, and then thought better of it.

4. Isaac said it smelled like rotten smoked salmon on the New Jersey turnpike, asked if there was "good fishing" there, and complained about a 45 minute car ride when there are three 6 hour car rides in his immediate future.

5. I noticed that my parents replaced the curtains in their Bronx apartment for the first time in 40 years, thanks to a 25-year-old gay Mexican-American interior designer who is married to a friend of my mom's, and he is now my best friend for saving my parents from themselves style-wise.

6. I drank two enormous iced coffees to compensate for 20 hours of lost sleep.

7. I began to stress out about all the people I'd failed to tell about this trip and my face exploded from pollen.

8. I once again took grim stock of 40 years' worth of junk in my parents' apartment.

9. I got into an argument with my parents about why they insist on using a standalone GPS when Google Maps is blatantly superior.

10. My New York accent came back in force as I apologized to the people on the hallway of my parents' building for standing there half naked in my pajamas as I watched Isaac scooter up and down the hall on a rusty Razor Scooter.

11. I put my head into an air conditioning unit in an attempt to cool down.

12. My dad dressed up like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and my mom left for Boston with the keys to the car Geoff and I need to pick up Paige at camp in New Hampshire, and had to drive 2 hours back to give them to us.

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