Friday, June 16, 2017

That Time You Thought it Was Summer in Alaska But Then Were All Like Wait, No, Never Mind. It is Fucking Snowing in June

1.That time you went out in your friend’s boat and caught an 80 lb. halibut under a bluebird sky: Nothing says summer in Alaska like fishing on the crystal blue waters of the Inside Passage. It really felt like summer that day! Almost 70 with calm winds, and a self-satisfied sense of AAAAAAAAAH! This is THE LIFE! Only problem is that now it’s 45 degrees, raining at sea level, snowing in the mountains, and windy AF. That’s when you were like wait, no, never mind, remind me why I live here, no one told me to live here, it’s fucking snowing in June.

2. That time you roasted caribou hot dogs on the beach and wore sunglasses while watching the sun set at 11:00 p.m. with some mountains you can't name in the background: A reindeer hot dog roasted over an open fire under the Midnight Sun. It’s Insta-Instagrammable eco-porn! You snapped that pic, posted it, were like #SummerInAlaska, and watched the likes and the wows just POUR the fuck in. BOOYA! But the very next day it was like, oh wait, never mind, I left my phone out on the deck and now it’s dead because monsoons. #SnowingInJune #BuildTheArc.

3. That time you ran on a trail with your friend at lunch in short sleeves:
 Alaska is totes all about work-life balance. Alaskans consistently have the highest life satisfaction on that index of life happiness thing that was going around that one time on Facebook. On beautiful sunny days at lunch during the work week you’ll be like, Hey guuuuuuuuuurl, let’s go for a run, it’s like soooooooooo nice outside, riiieeeeeght? And your friend will be all like, YAY! SUMMER! Fer Suuuuuuuure! Meet ya on the super bright corner across from the Capitol Building where nothing’s happening anymore in 10! And then the next day you’ll both be like uhhhhhhhhm, wait, never mind I’m wearing my puffy coat to work again kill me now every moment I live is agony, m'kay?

4. That time you went on a 12-mile hike up on that ridge: It felt so great to beep-boop-bip-bop yourself and your FitBit and hydration pack up to the alpine, get up on that ridge, take a deep breath of fresh mountain air, and gaze down onto the celestial fjords below. You fucking BLEW up the ‘Gram with pics that day! Too bad/so sad the next day you were like, What mountain? There's no mountain there. I can’t even see across the street for all the fog and sideways rain, but you know what I can see? MY FUCKING BREATH, Y'ALL!


5. That time you realized that the first four times were actually all during the same three-day period: 
Deep down you know summer in Alaska only lasts three days, if you’re lucky. In retrospect, all four things just described above happened over the course of three days in May. THAT’S when you’re like, OMG forget it. Fucking forget summer. Let me just see what fucked up shit Trump did today, and when I take a break from that, let me watch the Alaska Legislature hurl feces at each other and foam at the mouth online like two warring bands of rabid gibbons while the ship of state sinks like the Titanic.



1 comment:

  1. Thanks OHM for calling our attention to #BuildTheArc. This important twitter feed is so easily overlooked. Thanks for keeping our levity afloat.

    ReplyDelete