Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Okay, But His 1989 Bar Mitzvah Swag Game is Tight!

Say what you will about the current occupant of the Oval Office. 

Sure, he's a clinical narcissist, a demented sociopath, and a semi-literate racist misogynist with the impulse control and attention span of a toddler, the civics knowledge of a fourth grader, and the means to blow us all to the next galaxy with the push of a button. 

BUUUUUUUT his 80s bar/bat mitzvah swag game is on LOCK!

I didn't have a bat mitzvah myself, as I was raised by atheist hippies who believed organized religion is bad for society and that big bar/bat mitzvah parties were a vain, conspicuously consumptive waste of money that went against all they stood for. 

Still, I probably went to no fewer than 40 such parties of kids whose parents felt precisely the opposite, and I have ALL the swag to show for it.

That's how I found the first nice thing I could say about Donald Trump yesterday, when REAL NEWS came out that he was decorating his golf resorts with a FAKE TIME MAGAZINE COVER.

His 1989 bar mitzvah swag game is fucking ACES!!!!

I made this exact same thing at half the bar and bat mitzvah parties I went to in 1989-90. Given that, I suspect Trump is ALSO sitting on the following, which any reporter worth his or her salt should be able to suss out at Mar-a-Lago:

1. Boxers and T-shirts that say "I had a blast #MAGA, 11/9/16"

2. A giant foam board with the signatures of his whole cabinet under a cartoon set of golf clubs and balls.

3. Steve Bannon going table to table and drinking all the sand-bagged liquor the grownups left behind.

4. Donald and Melania slow-dancing awkwardly to Forever Young by Alphaville.

5. A bunch of red, white, and blue glow sticks and sparkly plastic fedoras from Oriental Trading Company.

6. An arch of red, white, and blue balloons at the front entrance to the whole Winter White House compound.

7. A DJ who keeps playing Poison by Bel Biv DeVoe, Baby Got Back, We are Family, and Celebrate on loop. (I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!)

8. Whole cabinet playing Coke & Pepsi in scrunchie socks.

9. Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Omarosa whispering in the girls' bathroom about Melania's pink taffeta dress with puffy sleeves and a matching bolero jacket.

10. Three words: pigs in blankets.

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