Tuesday, June 6, 2017

My Kids' Bedtime Routine is Fucking Killing Me!!

Alright y'all. 

I'm about to go the fuck OFF on the last two hours of my life right now, because let me tell you something: I did not--I repeat, DID. NOT. Cherish. That. Time.

Mostly, parenting has gotten easier over the past decade. Everyone is shitting in the toilet and speaking in full sentences. There are long periods of time in which I'm not even sure where in the house my kids are, or what they're doing, and it's fine. Sometimes they'll even read or play a game together for 15 minutes before they start screaming and hitting each other. 

The one notable exception is the bedtime routine--such as it is--which continues to drain my will to live with no sign of letting up whatsoever.

My kids are coming off a week of grandparent spoilage in which they were gifted all the sugar, toys, and bedtime indulgences imaginable while their parents checked out of life, and it was amazing for everyone, so re-entry was especially difficult for all concerned.

I get that you're supposed to cherish every moment of your kids' childhood, including every moment you spend slowly lowering them down into the gentle arms of the Sandman for nighty-night time.

Here's the thing though: fuck that shit. No seriously. Fuck cherishing bedtime. I feel like a decade of bedtime duty is more than enough hard time, and at 6.5 and 9.5 these children are old enough to do three simple things: brush their teeth, read a book, and go to bed.

The end. THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END! Cherish Shmerish! I'll cherish your ass tomorrow. For now I want to let the sun set on another semi-successful day of parenting (the standard being everyone survived), take some Benadryl, scroll through social media, and go the fuck to sleep myself.

But will they let that happen? No, they will not.  

Here's what they'll do instead. Act like drunk assholes and 100% ignore me when I tell them to come brush their teeth. When they finally brush their teeth, there's toothpaste everywhere. Then it's stories. Then it's podcasts. Then it's can I have water. Then it's I have to pee again (who can say no to peeing--you NEVER say no to peeing). Then it's I'm hungry (fuck that shit, your next meal is breakfast). Then it's a fight over which podcast and which story and who gets what and who sleeps with what blanket and where's Porkchop the stuffed dog and can the lamp be on a little but not too much and can the door be opened a crack or maybe a little crack more and then can you set the timer for five minutes wait that wasn't five minutes that was only three minutes and it's not fair and 

OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU ARE HOLDING ME CAPTIVE IN HERE FOR OVER AN HOUR WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE FUCKING IRAN HOSTAGE CRISIS DURING THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION?!

I literally said this exact sentence--curse words and all--until both kids started crying and I hated myself even more than usual.

The end.



6 comments:

  1. Oh I had a good laugh reading this and I am sure as hell glad I am not the only parent who swears in front of their kids! And I OVER bedtime. Seriously my kids are fine until the words bed and time exit my mouth and then a literal litany of minor annoyances become the worst things EVER. My back. My brother. My fucking everything.
    Lots of love <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lol! We have 10 and 6 year olds and this is exactly what it's like! I feel your pain. My husband and I were just lamenting this issue tonight. Still no solution, unfortunately.

    ReplyDelete
  3. all in the process of nurturing! you(who ever that is) are entitled to your feelings as well...............interesting no signature.

    ReplyDelete
  4. In case you want to try something else, and you think shouting "You're wasting my time. There are things I want to do for myself tonight," might help, let me just relieve you of that thought and assure you that that strategy is a completely losing one.

    ReplyDelete
  5. lol Libby you are so hilarious and I love you so much and whoever is commenting with parenting advice for you clearly doesn't know you're one of the best moms in the planet which must have some effect on why your kids are two of my all-time favorite kids that I wish I could hang out with more. So grateful our kids are the same age..and so grateful that you're Real about the frustrations of parenting instead of writing another zen book 💛

    ReplyDelete
  6. Racking my brain trying to remember this stage. Then my husband reminded me, our kids went to bed when they were tired. Of course there is no free lunch. No wonder there were some occasional daytime freak outs the next day. Likely due to not enough sleep....

    ReplyDelete