Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Fake News and Fidget Spinners

I knew it. I FUCKING KNEW IT. The minute I read the story about the guy who got a Fidget Spinner stuck up his ass and got "rushed" to the hospital, I knew that shit was FAKE NEWS.

I knew it even before my kids begged me for Fidget Spinners. If you don't know about Fidget Spinners, you either: (a) don't have a kid ages 5-15; and/or (b) are extremely lucky. 

As fads go, Fidget Spinners could be much worse. They could have a screen. They could beep and boop. They could have a fake smell or be messy. They could take up a lot of space. They could be expensive. They could need batteries. They could be like Legos and have sharp corners that hurt when you step on them. They could glorify sex or violence. They could be impossible to find anywhere because they are part of an engineered supply-and-demand conspiracy.

But they are none of these things, and so they could be a lot worse. But like all fads, Fidget Spinners are junk and involved a high degree of nagging and begging and discussion. 

For a few weeks, all I heard from both my kids was FIDGET SPINNER FIDGET SPINNER FIDGET SPINNER FIDGET SPINNER, until finally I did what I never should have done, which was order two Fidget Spinners from the local toy store. 

I shouldn't have done it, because their grandmother was coming the next day, and fuck me running if she didn't come up here with two Fidget Spinners.

"I didn't even reahlize these were awl the rage!," my mom exclaimed, clearly satisfied with herself. "I just sawr them in a store and thought they looked like fun!" 

"Franma," as she is known, was clearly thrilled that she had serendipitously stumbled upon a red-hot kiddie-trend, and meanwhile I had two fucking Fidget Spinners sitting on hold at a store waiting for me to pick them up.


Shortly before my mom arrived with the Fidget Spinners but after I'd ordered them myself, I did some research into the toy--which I had never seen or held--and found quite an interesting internet tidbit.

This story had the number one red flag for an urban legend (which is what we used to call FAKE NEWS in the Before Time, when you could still tell the difference): It involved something getting stuck up someone's ass. 

Have you ever noticed how so many urban legends involve that scenario? Like Richard Gere and the gerbil? When something gets stuck up someone's ass, your urban legend/fake news radar should go on high alert.

So it was with this urban legend/fake news story about some guy getting a Fidget Spinner stuck up his ass, getting caught by his parents, and "getting rushed" to the hospital to have surgery after the toy basically tore him a new one. 

The story quoted "interviews" with everyone, including the surgeon who had to perform a complicated colo-rectal repair as a result of this masturbatory misadventure.

I suspected this to be bullshit, of course, but only when I held a Fidget Spinner in my hand for the first time did I KNOW for a fact that it was. 

The Fidget Spinner is way too big and unusually shaped to fit up anyone's ass. It would never move on its own such as to require a drive (much less a "rush") to the hospital or surgery. The way the "article" made it sound, this guy had gotten a suppository-shaped, battery-operated metal fan stuck up his ass in the "on" position.

Snopes--once a go-to website for urban legend fact-checking that has taken on new import in 2017 for obvious reasons--confirmed that this story was a crock of shit. But it did chalk one more up in the "pro" column of the Fidget Spinner fad: 

You'd have to try pretty hard to get a Fidget Spinner stuck up your ass and require surgery as a result.


  1. Actually if I look at one too long I really do get vertigo.

  2. I dunno, the one with the hook end might work OK by using its inherent advantage, leverage wise ...

  3. The turning sensation permits "fidgety" hands to be involved, which some say enhance fixation fidget spinner


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